Run Fast! Run Far!

Or Warning Signs You Might Miss! (Plus podcast announcement)

Editor’s note: The Three Whisky Happy Hour podcast will livestream again today, Friday, at 1 pm PACIFIC time, so tune in and join us if you can. And yes, we’re working on both sound and lighting issues. But it is going to take some more time to iron out the technical gaps.

And now to the main event.

—Steve

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Even very young Mexican children know after one bad experience that they should never touch their eyes while handling jalapenos. One sting of a scorpion and a cowgirl would never just pull on her boots without dumping them out checking for the little varmints. Take it from one who knows! Although the mean insect was not in my boot, but in my linen closet lurking behind the roll of paper towels I had just grabbed, to 18 hours of very painful regret.

Parents try to warn toddlers against putting little hands on hot stoves or sticking metal objects – or much of anything, really -- into light sockets. They counsel school-age children to run like heck, screaming like banshees if a man stops a windowless van near them and offers candy.

You would HOPE – though there is depressing evidence to the contrary -- that a parent might assure a teenage girl who doesn’t like frilly dresses that is okay to wear jeans and t-shirts before say, suggesting that she listen to the sturdy green-haired teacher telling her she would be happier being a pretend dude with a double mastectomy and fake penis.

I have no daughters, so I cannot speak to much of anything girl-related except my own pretty exceptional experience as an oblivious happy nerd girl with loving parents who never once suggested there was anything I could not TRY to do or achieve because I was a female. Though they were pretty sure Professional Basketball was not going to work out. When a son is of dating age, we mothers may wish to suggest he find someone reasonably attractive with hips generous enough for child-bearing. But, of course, we dare not interfere. But there ARE a few clues to prevent him from going very wrong that he should be made aware of as gently as possible.

Everybody prefers pretty people. A friend told me there is a study proving even babies are drawn to more attractive faces. Here is what my beloved looked like the very first day I laid eyes on him. I had no chance as I was instantly smitten…amirite, ladies?

But, not every search for a beloved goes so smoothly. A few years ago now, a couple of cops designed a hilariously-unwoke chart (and video) about women with a “crazy” axis, and a “hotness” axis. The fellas believed, first of all, that NO woman starts any lower than a “4” on the crazy axis, and, speaking strictly for myself, I cannot disagree. They further claimed that a woman who is a “10” on the hotness axis and a 0-1 on the crazy axis is a Unicorn, not found in Nature. A woman who is a 10 on the crazy axis and a 1 on the hotness axis is not going to be a problem for the obvious reasons. Think Katie Porter, to take but one example.

The inventers of the chart recommend finding that “sweet spot” between a 4-8 on each axis. An average-hot woman who is a NICE person and not clinically insane, (say only a little crazy about liking dozens of little pillows on the bed, or whose husbands are not allowed to sully the “guest towels” and “tiny useless guest soaps”), is where men should be doing their Life Partner shopping.

Shortly after the very talented Phil Hartman was brutally murdered by his drug-addicted and therapeutically medicated wife, Joe sat our son down to pass on all his accumulated wisdom about women: “Never marry a coke ho.” So far, so good.

Still, there are “tells”, just like in poker, that a young lady you have recently met is not for you. I am confident that our readership will add many from the vast collective experience which the commentariat possesses. I like to think of our Commentariat as a very smart Jury (not one from D.C., New York or California), who individually might not know everything, but COLLECTIVELY knows just about everything about everything.

A few Warning Signs: (stipulating that even with each Warning Sign, SOME people who exhibit these signs are perfectly fine.)

1. Look for multiple piercings and/or tattoos. Bear in mind that even that tasteful little rose at the top of her breast will one day be a long-stemmed rose down by her waist. I would say categorically that any tear-drop tattoos or face and neck tattoos should be your cue to Run Fast, Run Far. (As per my above stipulation, the Mobile Vet’s intake woman had dozens of tats, ear lobe decorations reminiscent of the Ubangi Tribe in National Geographic, and was a sweet, kind, intelligent person. I would be surprised if she bats for your team, fellas, but you never know. And she was nice to my kitty cat, so she gets 1000 points for THAT.)

2. Is she a vegan? I know and love SEVERAL vegetarians and can even cook a few dishes to their liking, such as Macaroni and Five Cheeses! But vegan is very difficult to accommodate. No milk, no eggs, no cheese, no butter, no fun. Move on. Or at least convince her to become a vegetarian. Also, does she MENTION being a vegan immediately? Definitely move on. In that case, it’s a religion not a dietary preference.

3. Does she have hair in a color associated with Easter Eggs, particularly several colors which change weekly? As always, we must stipulate that one of our brightest, funniest, most attractive commenters does have blonde hair with lovely violet and turquoise highlights. Not ONLY does she have interesting hair, but her NAME is even Hair. What ARE the chances?!

4. Does her car have a bumper sticker that says “I Am Already Against The Next War”, “Free Palestine”, “Harris/Walz” or “What Would Wellstone Do”? Worse yet, is she sporting a large lawn sign that proudly blares “Hate Has No Home Here”? You can rest assured that “Hate” is perfectly comfortable in residence – hatred of men, hatred of Israel, hatred of Western Civilization, Extreme Hatred of Donald J. Trump, and tragi-comic self-hatred of white people, of which she is one, but she’s very very sorry about it. She may have kissed the shoes of the Oppressed du Jour. Run Fast; Run Far.

5. Does she have more than a dozen pets, particularly, but not exclusively, CATS? Just tell her you are allergic to cats and move on. You will never be #1 in her life. Unless she’s really cute, nice, you also love cats and you don’t care about living in one large Litter Box. Then, by all means, go for it.

6. For the younger fellas, does she use the word “literally” wrong, literally dozens of times in a sentence? Does she speak mostly in present tense as in, “So, I go…and then he goes…and then, I go….” Etc. Ad Infinitum. How many times in one sentence does she use the word “like” when she does not mean “similar to” or “professing a fondness for”? Does she “up-talk”, ending every simple declarative sentence with a question mark? First of all, this woman is far too YOUNG for most of the commenters who come here. But even if you are younger than 35, you might want to consider someone more articulate.

7. Can she cook? Will she? This is probably less important with the proliferation of restaurants, fast food, Door Dash, processed frozen foods, and men being interested in and good at cooking too, but it used to be key when I was single back in the Pleistocene Age.

8. Are there clothes all over the bedroom floor? If they are YOUR clothes, recently abandoned, maybe it’s okay. If the clothes are in piles four inches deep and extend into other rooms, you might want to Run Fast; Run Far unless you are similarly messy. Otherwise, it is really going to get on your nerves in the long run.

9. If you are in a restaurant, does she order an appetizer, soup, salad, two drinks, the Surf ‘N Turf Combo with “Market Price” on both the lobster and the 16 oz ribeye AND dessert? This is not a thoughtful person. She is Entitled and is going to bankrupt you and possibly get fat. (N.B. The latter is to be expected because ALMOST ALL HUMANS, ESPECIALLY WOMEN eventually gain more weight than they would like. Sigh. Chubby and cuddly is one thing; but the entitlement thing is way worse. Definitely pick someone not likely to drive you to Bankruptcy.)

10. We’ve already covered cocaine in the Hartman tragedy. But be on the look out for ALL illegal, costly and stupid drugs. Several talented and wonderful comics from the levy I came up with in the early 80s are no longer with us because of them. But over-indulgence in alcohol or weed are no bargain either. Moderation is cool. But if you see signs of dependence, Run Fast; Run Far!

Bonus Joke: A man is walking on a beach and finds a lamp. Rubbing the lamp, a Genie appears. He is told, as always in these jokes, that he only gets ONE wish and “I wish to have all my other wishes granted” is not an option for that wish. This is not the Genie’s first rodeo and he has heard that before. The man says, “I would love to go to Hawaii, but my wife is afraid to fly. Could you make a bridge from Los Angeles to Maui?”

The Genie says, “Do you have ANY IDEA what a difficult task that would be? Try another wish.” The man says, “I would like to understand women.” The Genie says, “Do you want that bridge two- or four-lane?”

I don’t think the women I know are very hard to understand, but I guess I know a particular demographic – smart, funny, forgiving, responsible, religious (in the main), more tomboys than princesses, (but a few really awesome princesses) and mature. I don’t mean mature NOW when most of the women I know are well into their fifth, sixth or seventh decades, but mature even back in high school.

I have been particularly impressed with the long and happy marriages I have observed in the Commentariat at Commenter-Cons. Couples who are not only smart and kind and generous and funny, but – come see for yourself, if I’m lyin’ I’m dyin’ – also above average on the Hotness Scale!! Well done, people! (With no judgment towards anyone now happily married who needed a practice run or two to get it right! Has happened to many good friends and even relatives.)