Dear Diary. . .
Dr. Fauci Tells Himself About the Day They Persecuted Science
Editor’s note: Our official Mayo-Hating correspondent has somehow obtained exclusive access to Dr. Anthony Fauci’s latest diary entries. . .
I’m exhausted and spitting mad. Today sat for what seemed like fifteen hours in a chair with no lumbar support (definitely INTENTIONAL!), while that vile man Rand Paul and his gang of Republican science deniers spread vicious lies about me. ME! The most popular and important and famous scientist in the WORLD! I saved America from a Biblical PLAGUE! How dare they! The impudence! (Note to self: see if we can convince Mamdani to arrest Rand Paul. Maybe plant story that he’s half-Jewish, which might be true.) I don’t expect thanks and I’m too humble to remind people about my dozens of awards and prizes, but a small to medium measure of gratitude would have been nice.
The whole ordeal nearly spoiled our late evening meal at Fiola. Thankful that Chinese ambassador was there and he brought sweet rice dumplings to die for from Shanghai. (Piggy Swalwell ate half of them. Rude.) Ruffalo asked me to sign his Hulk-themed N95 mask. After dessert -- delectable flan with sugared hibiscus petals and golden raspberry drizzle -- all my close friends on NYT editorial board sang “For he’s a jolly good Fauci.” So that lifted my spirits.
All day, sitting in front of that microphone I wanted to remind the forgetful American people of the selfless, life-saving work I had done to protect them from the virus and themselves, but lawyers wouldn’t allow it. During prep, said that I technically couldn’t invoke 5th Amendment because I had been pardoned for any conceivable crime, but no way anyone could prevent me from doing it. Rand Paul, thank God, has no actual power.
My lawyers said there were some statements in my diary that arguably are not factually adjacent, I think that’s the term. They said silence was best option. Good grief, diary entries are NOT a peer-reviewed article! But they warned my accusers would nitpick at everything, like when I wrote Covid barely worse than the flu but publicly stated that it was airborne death and doom. If that’s even true (I have no memory of it and videos can be doctored) -- what don’t they get about the need for motivational messaging? Sheep don’t stay inside their pens unless they believe they’ll be eaten if they wander around outside.
Mildly worried when Klain and Jill told me at WH that they were pardoning me and Birx and everyone at Wuhan lab and Joe was cool with it and would have his robo pen do a back-dated e-signature or something. I mentioned Biden’s doc told me he was already asleep in bed after watching Matlock reruns at 4:30 p.m. and taking warm vanilla Ensure infused with donepezil. They assured me he was hyper-cogent, pardon would stick and loyal friends in the media would ask no questions. Even though I have nothing to hide, I EARNED that pardon by the sweat of my brow and the brilliance of my brain. That’s not me talking. That’s the Pulitzer-winning Washington Post Science and Queer Immunology reporter!
It’s getting late and I need rest. Ending on a positive note for today. Staff were tracking ratings for my testimony in real time and they were boffo! On a weekday! Social media mentions are through the roof! My Q-score almost as high now as back in 2020! Publicist says we can definitely leverage dramatic testimony into Netflix special, maybe 8 to 10 episodes, with me as heroic martyr for truth and expertise. They will reach out to Barack with pitch. Of course, I want full artistic control and require Anthony Hopkins to play me (or maybe Clooney, he’s close enough to my age now and I’ve been told by many people we are dead ringers for each other).
Tomorrow will be a better day.
July 30, 2026
Got a nice note of support from Keir. I’ll quote just a bit:
“I was proud how you stood up to those bullies. Wish I could have been there to support you. Dedicated, elite public servants like us cannot expect gratitude from the little people. Never forget: because we know more and know best, we have a duty -- yes, even to the racists and uneducated, anti-vaccination rubes in their hovels -- to force their compliance. For their good. For humanity’s good. Chin up. Plan to fly in soon for dinner with Gavin at French Laundry. Hope to see you there to toast your health and discuss UN Panel on Globally Criminalizing Disinformation.”
That Keir is a real mensch. Knows his wine, too. Another legend unappreciated in his time.
Now with 24 hours to reflect, this obsession with the Wuhan lab is infuriating!
Who cares, really, where it started? U.S. funded Chinese lab, or a wet market, or a snake-handling evangelical church service, what’s the difference? What’s important is that when the experts decide something, the people who are not experts must listen! Otherwise, the system falls apart. Everyone must row in the same direction towards the mandated outcome. That’s science. As I believe Galileo said: “Science is about achieving and then ruthlessly enforcing consensus for the common good. Especially in emergencies.” (Note to self: check that staff told Daszak to delete all texts from my old phone. Could be intentionally misconstrued by my enemies.)
CNN wants to interview me. Get my side. Lawyers say I can talk if not under oath. Segment will focus on how I galvanized the country in a time of fear and stood up to Trump when he demanded all Americans drink fish tank cleaner. Also to discuss credible rumors that Rand Paul had child out of wedlock with crack whore. Producers will forward all questions to my staff for prior approval, as per usual. I should probably self-tan this afternoon.
Was scrolling online today, trying to avoid negativity but came across entire thread on “X” mocking my first pitch at the Nationals game on opening day. (Note to self: have lawyers send cease and desist letter, threaten defamation suit and ICC arrest warrant.) First of all, I have permanent throwing elbow damage from a childhood log flume ride accident. I never mention it, because I was taught not to make excuses. But it did end my promising future as a Breeder’s Cup jockey. Second, that catcher crossed me up by calling for a slider! My four seam fastball is my go to pitch and had scouts drooling back in high school. I now wonder whether Trump operatives planted that guy.
July 31, 2026.
It physically pains me to see fringe kook heretic Jay Battawhatshisname running the CDC. Going from the most famous and lauded scientist in the world -- moi -- to that guy, who wanted people to eat horse dewormer paste or something. I never read his dangerous and deluded Great Barium Enema Manifesto, but his ascension is a tragic day for America. Francis Collins once told me something I’ve never forgotten: “Once you let skeptics use facts to falsify your hypotheses and promote alternative policy approaches, that’s when the money and power to do God’s work vanishes. So demonize them for the children.”
You know what I would have said to all those horrible, lying critics if I had the chance not to fall into a perjury trap?
My existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to them, SAVED LIVES! MILLIONS of ungrateful LIVES! The sand in the playgrounds, the lockdowns, the infants wearing masks, the old people dying safely alone in hospitals, the infected forced to stay home from their superspreader churches, the helpful footprint paths on the store floors showing people where it was safe to walk, the full body plexi-shields in swimming pools to deflect the Covid ions -- all of it based on cutting edge credentials and MY unimpeachable scientific authority -- it saved lives! And deep down, in places they don’t talk about at their Fox News anti-vax parties in Appalachia where they don’t socially distance and shoot guns at immigrants, they WANT me at that podium! They NEED me at that podium! I would rather they said “Thank you” and went on their deplorable way.
That was cathartic. I moved myself to tears there. I don’t like to self-promote, but many people say I’m a great and charismatic orator. (Note to self: let’s get on Rogan to promote that Netflix special. In fact, let’s talk to Spotify about my own podcast. I can talk gourmet cooking, epidemiology, high end men’s watches.)
‘Til next time, diary. That man in the mirror in his bespoke lab coat sure is a handsome devil.
 | A guest post by
|
Anthony, I am very disappointed in you. I was expecting satire or at least parody, per your usual. All of America has read the posts in Fauci's diary. There was no need to re-post them just so you could meet your deadline for writing your Wednesday missives. Have you been hitting the mayo on the sly?
How fondly I recall those "helpful footprint paths on the store floors showing people where it was safe to walk." I still follow their residual but ever fading and fainter white shapes, never straying, fearing to ignore Dr. Fauci's stern admonitions, faithful in safetiness, forever and ever.
When they finally fade away, what I will do?