Braveheart: DNC Style

The great condiment-hater is joining Political Questions

Editor’s note: I am pleased that Anthony Lucido is going to become a contributor to Political Questions. Many of you will know of Anthony from his legendary commenter handle on Powerline—”AnthonyHatesMayo”—and indeed I share his special hatred for that particular condiment.

I hope all of his loyal friends and followers will sign up here (it’s FREE!) to comment on his items, and keep up the great tradition.

—Steve

Braveheart: DNC Style

By Anthony Lucido

Longshanks, still wearing his battle armor, strides into a conference room at DNC headquarters.

Longshanks: "What news from the latest internal polling?"
David Hogg: "Uh, nuh, nothing new, your majesty. We've established multiple focus groups to speed word of our new initiatives."
Longshanks: "I heard the word in France, where I was fighting to expand the Paris accords. The word, my son, is that our open borders strategy is annihilated. And you have done nothing."
Hogg: "I, I have sent out "Free Palestine!" mailers to elementary schools and called for banning all long bows."

A courier enters the room.

"Excuse me, Sire, but there is a very urgent message from New York."

Longshanks: "Come."

The courier places a covered Harry and David basket on the table, next to the sustainable hummus continental breakfast spread and hands a sealed letter to Hogg.

Hogg (ashen): "Trump has sacked Harvard."
Longshanks: "What?"

Longshanks strides to the table, lifts the covering cloth to reveal ... an Arby's triple beef and cheddar and an Elizabeth Warren bobblehead ... sans torso. Hogg gasps.

Man standing behind Hogg, sipping Bud Light from a flagon: "C02-emitting beef and violence against indigenous peoples! What beast could do such a thing!"

Longshanks: "If he can sack Harvard, he can invade Martha's Vineyard."

Man: "But we would stop him!"

Longshanks: "Who is this person who speaks to me as though I needed his advice?"
Hogg: "Ah, I have declared Dylan my high counselor and fashion consultant."

Longshanks: "Is he qualified?"

Dylan: "I am skilled in the arts of successful product re-branding and male code-switching tactics, Sire."

(Hogg's shoulders slump)
Longshanks: "Are you? Then tell me, what advice would you offer on the present situation?"

Longshanks throws Dylan out the window. It's the ground floor, so he lands in a flower bed on top of a wooden "Trebuchet Free Zone" sign, limbs akimbo, sobbing. In anguished fury, Hogg draws a tiny vial of pepper spray from his fanny pack and whirls to confront Longshanks, who viciously flicks Hogg's earlobe and sends him sprawling to the floor, wailing and inert.

Longshanks: "I shall offer Trump a truce, and buy him off. But who will go to him? Not I. If I fell under the sway of that dictator, it might be my Pomeranian Cato's tiny, hypoallergenic head in a basket. And not my gentle vice chair. The mere sight of him would encourage an enemy to defund the entire Ivy league and build a border wall with lasers. So whom do I send ...?"

Cut to: Jazz Hands Tim, wearing a vintage leather football helmet and his fluorescent wabbit season safety vest, skipping manfully toward the gates of Mar A Lago.