Gang, I am trying to get out of my “bad head space” from looking at the world around me, observing the political climate; the unpunished, yea, celebrated anti-semitism; the galloping stupidity; and also my sorrow at the number of people I love who are unwell or no longer with us.
Laughter is the best medicine - Readers’s Digest: (Realizing our comedienne extraordinaire has probably heard them all - but humor me. Heh)
A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a martini. Amazed, the bartender thinks, What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink. As he hands the martini over, the animal holds out a $20 bill. The bartender accepts the cash and decides to test his unusual customer’s intellect. He only gives the ape a dollar in change. The gorilla silently begins to sip his drink. “You know,” the bartender says, “we don’t get too many gorillas in here.” The gorilla replies, “At $19 a drink, I’m not surprised.”
“Today’s offering will be pure ‘narishkeit’, Yiddish for ‘nonsense’ or ‘triviality’.” Yippee! My ideal Ammo Grrrll column is the unhinged rant, but nonsense, triviality, frivolity…that's right up my alley. And in that spirit I offer a Time is Running Out classic song,
(Cue Liza and “Caberet.”)
“What good is sitting alone in your room? Come hear the music play.
Life is a cabaret old chum. Come to the cabaret.
Put down the knitting, that book and your broom, it’s time for a holiday.
Life is a cabaret old chum, so come to the cabaret.
Come taste the wine, come hear the band,
Come blow your horn start celebrating, right this way your table’s waiting,
No use admitting the prophet of doom…he’ll wipe every smile away.
Life is a cabaret old chum, and I love a cabaret.”
—--
“This portrait would be of a desirable lady by old-timey standards. She would be clothed in a diaphanous gown, resting comfortably upon some sort of divan. She would be ample of bosom and round of belly. And I would mourn the fact that I had clearly missed my era. And did not even own a divan.”
Ammo. You have not missed that era nor has your time run out. The artist formerly known as Prince once wrote in song: “You must remember this, a kiss is still a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh. The fundamental things apply as time goes by.” That’s why so many men sigh when they see America’s Sweetheart, Lizzo twerking onstage [Lizzo is still a “maybe” for Commenter Con Five]. Classy dives all across our great land have portraits of Lizzo stretched-out across a divan or as we say in God’s Country, a couch. And it ain’t easy to stretch-out Lizzo for she’s a whole lot of woman. Ammo, forget Twiggy, think of Lizzo.
As always, the highlight of this or any other week, a bit of fun from our celebrity celebrator-in-chief, a gal who brings us relief from grief, who aids us through occasional thought of disbelief, who playfully mentions Twiggy and not, thank God, Abdul Salam Arif, who set the Commenter Con motif and unlike me knows how to be brief. We give thanks again for another gem from our beloved Mrs. Ammo Grrrll.
A fitting "Cabaret" song. Ah, the early days of National Socialism. And to think that now AOC, Bernie Sanders and the Democrats are reviving National Socialism.
They always said marijuana was a "gateway" drug to cocaine and heroin. George W. Bush -- not THE most articulate fella -- was my "gateway" Republican after a lifetime of being a Democrat and worse. So I retain a soft spot in my heart for him. Not a fan at all of Endless Wars, or the notion that 7th century savages can embrace democratic principles. BUT, I thought he and Guiliani both did a good job of leadership after 9/11. You remember 9/11, right? That time when "some guys did something" and anyway, "we had it coming?"
Of course I know 9/11...it's that convenience store with the Slurpies.
George W. I'll never forget Rush Limbaugh imitating "Ma" Richards, Governor of Texas trying to mock George W...."George...he was born with a silver foot in his mouth." Dorothy Ann Richards once was the best the Democrats could offer which begs the question: "How on earth do they win?"
Anyway, Rush had a lot of fun with it and George W. did fairly well in two terms as President of the United States.
Before Lizzo, there was Whole Lotta Rosie, about Bon Scott's one night stand with a large Tasmanian woman named Rosie during a tour in Melbourne. She had other talents than singing though.
I know Tazzie is often the butt of Aussie jokes, but my bride and I had a wonderful time seeing Tasmania with dear friends from med/grad school days; ;this was in 2019. No more foreign travel since, but that trip (and a previous one to Israel) were great ways to celebrate our 50th anniversary.
Westerns-for close to 80 years I have watched westerns, gunfights on dusty streets, cowboys hunkered down around the old chuck wagon next to bellowing herds, horses tied up to hitching post in front of the saloon. NOT ONCE have I seen a horse dropping, Amazing breed of animals they have there.
MTG: I will take this opening to recommend my own book, "Gunfighter Legends and Trail Yarns". I wrote a short story for each song on the Mary Robbins "Gunfighter Ballads" album, using the sensibilities of "Bonanza" and "Laramie" but also a few historical patches.
I grew up listening to Marty Robbins Gunfighter ballads! Love every one of them. In the '90s, I had a CD of those songs that we listened to in the car and my kids counted the bodies. By the end of the CD, I'm sure the count was over 200. After all, the Ballad Of the Alamo was part of it. The opening chords of El Paso still brings a lump to my throat.
That album was the second one I ever owned -- after the Kingston Trio -- and my besties, Bonnie and Heather and I mooned together as only teenager girls can do in the wonderful finished basement of their home, longing for a real cowboy! AG
I knew several cowboys and had the privilege (although I didn’t know that was what it was at the time) of riding with them many summers. My Uncles Roger and Rod even looked like the romantic version of cowboys. Especially Rod, who was one of the handsomest men imaginable, down to the dimple in the chin.
My son married into a family of cowboys. His father in law still works from horseback every day, raising beef.
At the wedding, my son's new brother in law played guitar and sang. My (then 14 year old) daughter leaned over to me and said "what's he to me once Tyler marries his sister?" I answered "way too old."
my rodeo grandkids are all into country music. We've been having a blast introducing them to the oldies: Dolly Parton, Willie Nelson, Marty Robbins and Kris Kristofferson!
the Possum .... Whos gonna fill them shoes .... goose bumps ... Dierks Bently is the only one who comes close that i can think of as far as the men ...... Hold The Light in Only the Brave ........ bigger bumps ....
I tied the stories with a narrator, the Rev. Martin Robbins, MD. I made him a Methodist medical missionary in the Arizona Territory. If you think about the songs, by the time he was done, you needed the doctor...or the preacher...or both.
The Judge and I came across Marty Robbins' Christmas Album years ago. The mind boggled and we immediately began thinking of what Christmas songs would come from the creator of El Paso. Our favorite was 'I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, so I chased him down and shot him. And his reindeer too!'
Paul, as we know, production of Westerns had been a mainstay of the motion picture and television industry for about 4 decades.Every member of the crews standing by at the ready to deal with the loads of manure and urine continuously deposited on set, when asked it they were looking for cleaner work, said, "What, and give up showbiz?"
My maternal grandmother, born in 1888, said in rural Minnesota the streets were filthy and ladies had to raise their long skirts because the menfolk would spit tobacco right in the street and even on the board sidewalks! She wore a dress every single day of her long life, but was happy when hemlines went above the ankle so they didn't drag in the crud in the street. AG
Well, Susan, I know one woman who is now an adult, who watched Diana and Charles get married, wept when they divorced, and cried buckets when Diana was murdered. But this woman has never and will never march in a "No Kings" parade. She's my baby sister. (Isn't there an old saying about "there's always one to prove the rule" or something like that? LOL!) I tried so hard to convince her to come to CC5, but she and my brother-in-law already had plans...sounds familiar, doesn't it? SIGH. But, Fred and I are coming, and we are really looking forward to meeting so many people whom I feel are already friends! Oh--and I got to see Big Boy 4014 zoom past a tiny little cemetery in McComb, Ohio, AND I was interviewed by a TV reporter about my visit to Muskegon Michigan to see the WWII submarine USS Silversides be towed across Lake Michigan to go into dry dock! Maybe I'll be on the cover of People magazine some day, too! hahahahahahahah!
Back in the day when I was running, I planned to do a fun run at the Rose Festival in Portland. My baby sister was 18 and wanted to run it with me. I told her to go down to the track every day and she said she did, but being a baby sister she didn't. She thought being 13 years younger than me, she would be fine. She wasn't. About a quarter of the way through the run and I looked back. No sis. I figured she would show up at the finish. She did not. I imagined having to call mom and tell her I lost her baby. I ran all over downtown Portland looking for her. I finally decided I would go back to where we had parked the car and got on a bus. We went about a mile and the bus stopped to pick up passengers and one was my teary eyed baby sister. She saw me and it was like she was seeing the second coming of Christ. I saw her and knew that I was not going to be killed by my mom.
I've got a bunch of hugs saved up just for you. They'll be gentle ones. My little sister pretty terrific, now that she's grown up. She was 11 years old when Fred and I started dating!
Sorry to burst Susan's bubble but I LOVE the Royals! (well, at least I love Diana, William and Kate, and their kids. And the late Queen. The rest of them you can throw in the dumpster as far as I'm concerned. And even a dumpster is too good for Charles and Camilla.)
One exception doth not a theory disprove! But, I mean it all in good fun and hope that this will not be the deciding factor in whether or not you come back to us at CC5!
Well, in that case: "Graham Platner was a great candidate and thoughtful boyfriend." CHANGE MY MIND. In person. At CC5. Lol. Email Petroski at antoinepetrofsky@gmail.com to sign up TODAY!! AG
You have to love QEII - both the Queen and the ocean liner. There are few things I wouldn't do to ride the ship - or ask the Queen what it was like driving trucks in WWII.
I prefer ships that can take care of themselves. Here's a shot I took of Missouri while aboard the Long Beach crossing the Pacific. No Somali pirates put in an appearance.
Dennis, I had the "privilege" of sitting on a hill one day watching the New Jersey blast away at an enemy camp quite a bit inland from me. Three 16" guns firing at once. What a huge orange ball of flame in the sky!
Problem: Mrs. B hates boats and is afraid of the water. When she was an EMT for a private service she was assigned to an oil spill boat that had to go out in a small gale, 5-10 foot seas. She is dedicated and brave, but would probably shoot me if I suggested a boat ride of any sort.
My mom always wanted to experience the QEII (the ship; she had already met the person) but my dad had passed and she couldn't find anyone to accompany her. (And I hate the notion of cruises in general) so she did a repositioning cruise with an old friend where it repositioned from London to NYC. Sadly she had a terrible time as she and reportedly most of the passengers were all seasick from the rough seas. 😢
Joan Rivers (may she rest in peace) put out a comedy album about that time with a cover shot of the Royal Wedding Party and herself superimposed at the end of a row, carrying a blender with a big pink bow. I laughed my patootie off. But, it came back.
knowing the British have funny ... er ... different names to most everything .. much to my dismay i could not find one for .... a toaster .... maybe Louis can confirm this
That’s odd, John, since you can certainly buy what we (former) English call a toaster from, for example, Williams Sonoma. This is one of those rare occasions where our two languages are as one.
There will be another quiz. Not just British trivia, but global, and much of it will be fiendishly difficult. I will be adding a few simpler ones for the Petroskis, AHM and whatever other poor souls they can add to their team.
I'm vaguely related to Diana. My great-grandfather was a Damer-Drew, which family was related to the Spencer-Churchills as far back at 1066. One D'hamer and one Courcelles were knights of William the Conqueror. Those names were later anglicized to Damer and Churchill.
I suppose I'm in line to inherit the Throne, but probably about 900 people would have to die suddenly first before there would be a King Dennis, the Defender of the Faith.
Have you ever seen the HIGHLY RECOMMENDED wonderful Sir Alec Guinness film, Kind Hearts and Coronets? It is that exact same plot -- Guinness plays 7 roles and has to eliminate everyone else in line for some Dukedom. Hilarious, very British dialogue. On my Top 10 Movies Evah list. AG
My parents took me to see the classic Alec Guinness films at the Dupont Theater in Washington, DC, back when they were new. I have a box of five of them on DVD now.
I saw the Big Boy in Utah - they took it off display and sent it out to help bring in a disabled conventional train, much to the delight of the assembled multitudes. Yeah, I hung in Salt Lake all day to see it come back.
Wife and I went to Truckee, CA (top of the Sierras near Lake Tahoe) for a weekend a couple of months ago. We found the historical museum and the train station, where they sold me the Big Boy merch. 4014 was supposed to come to Truckee in the spring, but a late snow storm prevented it. I will watch for his next appearance.
I couldn't make it as far as Truckee, I was thrown out of California for smoking. (truck flunked emissions) I am watching a good friend die, he always raved about that area and bemoaned the fact that if he bought land north of Truckee he'd be subject to rule by Sacramento.
I watched the Diana funeral and also cried. And then wondered why. And I do admit to clicking on the Markles stories that come up on Edge when I start the computer which are actually quite boring. I’m waiting to see if the children actually have faces. Lots of hype there. Megan shares summer vacation pics!!!!! The kids are always clutching the parents but you only see them from behind.
I think we all cried at the Diana funeral. It seems to me that after the divorce she had become more of a real person and was trying to do good things. Didn't she have a thing for getting rid of land mines in some countries that still had many left over from previous conflicts? I felt for her, at the time, young sons who had to go through the whole thing. I still blame the paparazzi for her death. They had no mercy just to get a photograph.
I did feel sorry for her children and what they had to endure growing up. I just want to remember the other well-known person who died that day as well: Mother Teresa of Calcutta.
Living through times of great change can be unsettling, especially for us old folks. Yet a great change is long overdue, and we have great champions rising to the fight. I find myself optimistic; not for Europe, not for the Middle East, but for America. We're going to win this thing; the youngsters will discover the value of liberty.
I'm with you there, Tim. The Trump Presidency plus the 250th anniversary of our incomparable political experiment have brought out from our people the deep-seated love of country yearning to rise up after too many years of left-wing finger-pointing and outright hatred of a country that has the most freedom and prosperity in human history.
"Alas, I am only human and I need a little mental break to heal." #metoo
I used to think if I live as long as I have things would be so much better in our country and the world that I'd be sad to leave it. Now I am sad to see what we and the world at large have become. And I am really tired of hearing how us boomers are the cause of it all. As if we are all old hippies. Not. It wears me down mentally and emotionally at times.
The good news is, I expect to snap out of it any minute now. I am going to start by getting up off my lazy butt, taking a shower and getting the hell out of the house for a while or two. ;-)
Here's wishing you the best Grrrl,
Jim
P.S. The subject title of your post made me think this was going to be a long advertisement, much like People magazine, that CC5 was just around the corner. You had better act now. You did manage to slip it in. And, rightfully so. ;-)
Hello Jack, If you are older than the boomers, all I can say is God bless. Not looking for sympathy, just would appreciate a 'recognition' that not all boomers are old hippies. Many are not. I detest those who I see supporting the left today as much if not more than anyone. And didn't care for them in the sixties either. Anyhow, take care young man ;-), and I wish you many more years to come.
This was a welcome piece after Wednesday's Fauci fest. I was getting ready for company and did the vacuuming during the Democrats' sycophantic performances. An obvious glutton for punishment, I kept the hearing on until the 111th invocation of 5th amendment. I would be interested to know how People's ad revenue is doing as print relevance continues to shrink and more people see "it girls" as just "who the hell is (and who cares about) that girl?" I know everyone in my Gen X circle has a running "De Niro Directory" of celebs who open their mouths and render themselves repugnant, unwatchable, and irrelevant. I'm with you - "FOMO" for me is "Fine with Missing Out." Happy Friday!
Happy Friday to you Kelly and well-said. And the less said about Fauci, the better. It's obvious he's going to skate.
The "De Niro Directory." I offer one of my favorite singers, a Fauci fave...none other than Babs, Barbra Streisand. I hear she has a boil on her bottom.
That was crazy. Were I Trump, I'd arrest Fraudci and claim he renounced his pardon. One cannot get a pardon and then not testify about what happened - because you cannot be incriminated when you cannot be prosecuted.
Fauci is both a coward and a world class egotist. He knows that so many lefties are supporting him and condemning Rand Paul for being "mean to him".
A guy who actually claimed he was "the Science" (which no true scientist would ever say), and yet labelled the three world-class immunologists who wrote the Great Barrington Declaration as "marginal", is not only scientifically illiterate but clearly does not remotely deserve the title "scientist".
He lined his pockets and padded his ego on the backs of many people, especially children and the elderly. Coward and egotist are perfect adjectives for him.
Taylor Swift’s “songs are unhummable nothing-burgers, and her voice strikes me as average at best”. Well, I am sure you are correct, Susan, but I can honestly say that to the best of my knowledge I have never heard a Taylor Swift song, although I guess that it must have burbled away in the background of my life. I do not listen to modern “popular” music (Gosh - does that mean I am an old fogey?), so likewise I have never knowingly heard anything by most of the other popular entertainers of today - not even the great Lizzo (sorry, Tony P).
I do intend to listen to one new piece of music however, the Rolling Stones new album, Foreign Tongues. I read that it is classic Stones style, so will be just up my street.
To my mind, there has been little music of note written since the 1970s, when my tastes were formed by the Stones, Rod Stewart and Pink Floyd, supplemented by much earlier forms, such as Dixieland Jazz and the Blues. In later life I now find myself enjoying opera. Is that a sign of old age?
In the early 1960s in England, The Beatles changed everything, and for a brief period we were all fans. Then the Rolling Stones came on the scene and the world divided between those who favored the Beatles and those who favored the stones. Very quickly I became a Stones fan and still prefer their music. The Beatles were (and are) undoubtedly great and transformative, but given the choice, I will take the London Blues sound over Liverpool pop
Which is your right, dear heart. I enjoyed the Stones to listen to and especially to dance to. But I could not stand watching them perform. Mick with his licking his mate's face! Almost all the women my age agreed with YOU, by the way. They liked a lot of "bad" boys.
When Mick left his model wife, Jerry Hall, after 4 kids, to pursue a much younger model, even Keith Richards advised him to cool it. When the Voice of Reason is Keith Richards, maybe it's time to examine your life! AG
I'm with you on the London Blues sound. "Get Your Ya-Yas Out"!
As to the Beatles, two words: Yoko Ono.
I have been driving a lot lately, and so listening to entire CDs. I am probably the first person to transit South Carolina Route 4 while listening to Klezmer music, my last trip I listened to Beethoven on the way down and Frank Zappa on the way back, because you really can't do that on stage anymore. When Amazon was just starting, I think I short-circuited whatever program comes up with suggestions based on your buying habits. Ordering Jeff Beck, Chopin, and Roger Miller actually got it to give up and stop suggesting.
I’m with you Louis, on never having heard a Taylor Swift song, unless it’s being playing as background in an elevator and I didn’t notice. Regarding music since the 70’s, it’s my favorite era as I turned 18 in 1970—my Car radio is pretty much stuck on that stream, although lately (guilty pleasure) I’ve been listening to Bluegrass and found in very enjoyable.
The Beatles broke up the year before I started college. Then my first girlfriend was a talented violist who introduced me to classical music. After that, popular music was less interesting to me.
I had the incredible privilege of hearing an organ concert in St. Thomas' church, Leipzig, in July 1990--while staring at the stone over Bach's grave. Visited Mozart's little apartment near Stefansdom in Vienna, and Schubert's birthplace in the same wonderful, music-crazed city.
The Bavarian government had to plan an autobahn over Beethoven's grave. When sextons dug up the coffin, they heard a tearing sound. They opened it up and there was Beethoven's skeleton, tearing up his music.
1. Five yards, Fogey Rule, specific date >5 years before present.
2. We raised our children on the classics: Beach Boys, Stones, Beatles, Moody Blues, etc. 3. Our favorite radio station has a segment at 7 am, "The College of Musical Knowledge". It is nothing but a five-minute egregious reminder of why I passed the Fogey Rule by edict. But we listen religiously.
Ok, I get it, I’m a “fogey” but, seriously, popular music that was recorded 50 or 60 years ago is still being played everywhere. Some of the performers, e.g., The Rolling Stones are still trudging out on stage to packed stadiums. Do you think that will be true in 2076 for Taylor Swift or any rapper?
Dear John, the Fogey Rule has nothing to do with the offender being a Fogey. It has to do with reminding the rest of us that we are Fogeys! But ignorance of the rule is no excuse.
The penalty falls on "Knights in White Satin". The song is actually "Nights In White Satin".
Our friend P did not cite a specific date or interval. The Fogey Rule requires only that we avoid specific dates or intervals greater than five years before the present. References to presidents' administrations, major historical events or other clear markers are permitted -- it's the calendar math that makes the violation.
The Mrs. and I love to watch Jeopardy. Almost everyday they have a category relating to modern popular music. I never get any of those questions right. Maybe because I only listen to two or three XM Radio stations where all the artists are dead. I guess that cuts down on the royalties they might have to pay.
I believe they just pay the heirs, assuming the artist hasn't followed Tom Lehrer's lead and put all his music in the public domain. (yes, I know there are a lot of music at CCs, and yes, this is a left-handed request.)
OH, I forgot. I am also a big fan of the classic western movie music of Ennio Morricone, whose compositions were key to the works of, in particular, Sergio Leone.
A search on YouTube for “Danish National Symphony” will bring up several videos of a concert of Morricone’s music for the spaghetti westerns. It’s amazing to see some of the weird and wonderful instruments used to create those unearthly sounds.
Like you AG, the bane of my life is mail. In Canada they have had mail delivery for only 5 days a week for decades. Coming back to the US and having to toss out gobs of rot SIX days a week drives me close to losing what's left of my mind.
The majority of our mail is indeed unwanted and unsolicited landfill. Where DO they get my address? (Ok I know, it gets sold to other outlets). Even my few magazine subscriptions still send me a request to renew with every issue and even sometimes in between. My few charities dun me for more money almost weekly, an annoying use of my charitable contributions.
The dumbest thing I ever did once was carefully choose three Republican politicians to whom I sent fairly generous campaign contributions. For more than a year following that, my mailbox was stuffed with solicitations from literally every other GOP politician, pleading for money - literally stuffed so full it sometimes fell out of my quite large mailbox. For that very reason, I no longer give money to any political entity. I want to, but I won't open myself to that ever again.
Nobody even sends out birthday cards unless you're ancient and have ancient friends.
What else can you expect in a world where you can say everything from "Hi" to "Happy Divorce" to "Leave me alone you unspeakable @#%&**" on multiple social media outlets and never have to see, hear or meet another human, nor memorize the location of a post office if you so desire.
I still insist on paying many of my bills by mail. One reason is that when I pass on, I want my power of attorney to know what regular payments I have made and what subscriptions I have signed up for , so that I don't have multiple automatic deductions from my bank account long after I'm gone.
Another pet peeve is that you have to pay for EVERYTHING now. Not one news source and fewer and fewer substacks are available free online. It's poverty by a thousand cuts just to stay informed. And don't get me started on the cost of TV.
So I get why you're in a bad head space, dear friend. But you and Joe's columns, and the commenters who fill me with such joy and laughter, are reliable and welcome sources of contact with others who think the same and have delightfully original ways of explaining the world to me. Bless you all, you mean the world to me.
Well said. Living out in the middle of nowhere, I see first the rural carriers, and now employees because they wouldn't pay the carriers enough, driving long routes and I think what it must cost - and then I think of Wyoming. We are wasting money on an industrial scale - actually beyond industrial because an industry runs out of money. Governments print more, until our money runs out of value. Then the waste hits the rotating cooling device.
This is not about time running out! It is about plain and simple running, like for your life.
Hanging outside the pool hall after a couple of beers at the White House (not that one) with a buddy, Dewald, who was born with one leg shorter than the other. All of us are so gifted, that’s why when lost we tend to walk in great circles when not holding a compass. But in Dewald’s case we’re talking three inches and a prosthetic boot.
A forty-nine shoebox rolls by, hot summer night windows down. Dewald for some unknown reason, maybe even a minor epileptic fit, yells out a racial slur aimed at “Canada’s First” nations people—Indians by American parlance. Up Selkirk Avenue the brakes on the shoebox shriek, the doors open, and we’re in deep do-doo.
Dewald jumps the fence of the property we’re standing in front of and beats cheeks for the alley behind the house. Feeling like an orphan abandoned on some church steps, I have no alternative and join the steeplechase. Over the fence, through the yard, across the alley, through David Steinberg’s (yes, that David Steinberg) former side yard, and onto Prichard Avenue.
One leg three inches shorter than the other and I can’t catch Dewald, but hot on his tail, I head up Salter Street. At full-tilt-buggee pace I run past St. Joseph’s old-folks home, soon to be christened a geriatric centre, to catch Dewald at Manitoba Avenue. He’s breathing hard, while I’m ready to collapse. We were smokers then. Dewald pulls out an Export ‘A’ (think unfiltered Camels), lights up and says with a Bogart voice that would have fooled Lauren Bacall, “We could have taken those guys.”
On the verge of throttling Dewald, I say, “That Shoebox was a four-door.”
He after a moment’s pause says, “What’s that got to do with anything?’
I can’t believe what I’m hearing and say, “All those doors opened at the same time.”
Bogey, cigarette on his lip, says, “We still could have taken those guys.”
Susan, you said we could write about anything. This is my long-way-around to say I really hate guys that don’t have a grasp of reality.
Hilarious, as usual. But not Hil-liar-ious. I did not detect a single untruthful statement in your post today. Therefore, I will take up your challenge and post something totally unrelated to People magazine: Instructions that come with products made in China. I ordered a mechanical, 1-hour kitchen timer from Amazon, to replace the one I accidentally messed up while using it to time an outside project's waiting time (letting glue set). The "user manual", a tiny piece of paper says :
"VERY impotent!!! Please follow instruction. Otherwise, it won't ring. How dose mechanical timer work? Mechanical times dosn't need battery, it is powered by mechanical movement with spring like old springtoy, you need wind up first to getpower to make it work, so this timer you must turn to 55 every time to activate and then turn back to time you want to set. WHY not ring?"
All of the misspellings in this part of my post are directly from the instructions.
I won't bore everybody to death with the rest of them. If I knew how to upload images as attachments to a comment, I would just have done that. MY POINT: they are all illiterate. Why in the world is China, of all countries, not able to find anybody to write literate English instructions when they send nearly every intelligent student they have to the US to get PhDs in thermonuclear engineering or brain surgery? Do they not have access to Google translation services? I cannot imagine what Chinese instructions translated into German must read like. And yet we are letting China take over all of our major universities' faculties, except the useless ones at places like Columbia, which the Chinese cavalierly leave to Hamas to run.
I took a course in Marketing once (in my third college) and there was a section of our textbook that featured all kinds of hilarious "mis-steps" especially in marketing American products to Asia and India. If memory serves, I believe the slogan for Pepsi was translated as "Pepsi brings back your ancestors from the dead!" in Chinese. I think IKEA has the right idea -- only illustrations! AG
Mine didn't! It went ZOOOM!! LOL! It had a v-8 engine. My brothers accused me of driving a "muscle car." Well, I was the one who made it home during the blizzard one night, driving my Nova--my oldest brother had to give up and stop at the house of someone we knew from church. Hah! ^_^ I also found a leather-and-chrome Polaroid camera under the carpet on the passenger side of that Nova, when my then-boyfriend-now-hubby and I drove from Lansing, MI to St Ignace, the Wednesday between Christmas and New Year's, in 1977 (I think) to attend the wedding of Fred's office partner. We came into St Ignace running on fumes--my car had a 20-gallon gas tank, and we put 22 gallons into it!
I think mine was a '73. I bought it used--only to discover about 3 years later that it had been in a wreck. The copper-colored right front fender and right front passenger doors were turning a different copper color than the reset of the car. I bought a brand-new 1980 Buick Skylark (stick shift) in December of 1979. Sadly, it had major problems--the plastic throw-out gear failed. But I won't bore you with the long story about trying to get Buick to pay for the repairs which I had to have done before the recall was issued.
Japanese and Chinese speakers cannot discern between the English "l" and "r" sounds. I know first hand, having spent many hours trying to help my Japanese students hear and say these sounds.
This failure to discern the difference between l and r also shows up when they write and fail to proofread. One of the more famous gaffes known was a huge sign painted in support of General MacArthur when he ran for political office.
The sign ostensibly read, "WE PRAY FOR MACARTHUR'S ELECTION." That's what they thought it said, anyway. Unfortunately, they mixed up the l and r sounds on election, and the meaning turned out quite differently than they expected.
Well, you force me to mention that our two incredibly lovely and talented granddaughters are learning Mandarin at a charter school; and we moved from San Diego to be with them. "With" has meant from Thanksgiving until this weekend, in the same house with us. It has been quite a ride. Today we had a puppet show: three performances, snacks, tickets, and an MC with a toy microphone that actually amplified Audrey's voice. It's wonderful to be an old man and be able to tell my wife, as I did today, that I'm in love with three other women. A married woman and her two daughters.
The best American companies slap Old Glory on the packaging, put "Made in China" in small letters in the bottom corner, and do the marketing in Chicago, hence an American product.
I hate to write this, but many Chinese really never write English well. I think they're either helped with their dissertations or given a pass for what they meant to say when they write them.
A friend of mine is half Japanese/ half Chinese. She spent the first 11 years of her life in Hong Kong before her family immigrated and settled in Idaho. I met her about 10 years later, and she spoke English really well. But when she wrote it, she didn't put the articles (a, an, the) in and overall couldn't write in English very well. Neither Japanese, Chinese, nor Koreans use articles, and it shows when they try to write English. (Or possibly Spanish, French, or Portugese?)
First, Susan is absolutely correct about Jennifer Grimm. What a voice. What stage presence. What a talent. She -- and Max's brilliant band -- are worth the cost of the entire CC5 extravaganza. And it's Susan's birthday! If you miss her birthday party, you will not be invited to Texas line dancing.
Oh wait, Texas line dancing is what my wife will soon be doing with her friends. She has begged me to go. I've made it clear to her that I would sooner be reborn as a jar of Duke's mayo living in a Soviet forced labor camp.
(Before you say that I'm a stick in the mud -- I prefer redwood in the mud -- I did learn to swing dance so that I could impersonate double club foot Fred Astaire and dance to Sinatra's "Our Love Is Here To Stay" with my wife at our wedding. To accomplish this, I had to attend dance lessons. At a studio run by a man who looked like Boris Karloff with an eating disorder. I spent 30 minutes dancing with a strange woman (we'll call her Miss Havisham) -- yes, I was delighted to find out you get different partners -- many, many decades my senior, who had mint green denture cream crusted in each corner of her mouth and told me more than once that I "had a strong torso.")
I consider my dance lessons a sacrifice akin to losing a limb.
Anyway, because we get to discuss anything and dancing was an ancillary nonsense topic, I will use the remainder of my time to air yet another of my infinite list of petty grievances.
We got a new fridge yesterday; our old one went kaput. It had a solid 12 year run, so it was time. The new one is super fancy, it has a "beverage center" hidden in the left door and can make ice cubs in the shape of zoo animals. Note: we did not splurge for the fridge that one can see into from the outside, with the special viewing panel to observe the nine containers of vanilla yogurt that have gone bad. When I want to see what's in our fridge, I open the door. We also told the very helpful Lowe's guy that we did not need the teleporter feature.
The fridge arrived and was installed without any dented drywall or a water line explosion.
However, what I soon discovered is that new refrigerators are packaged to withstand re-entry to the earth's atmosphere from space. EVERY millimeter of this refrigerator, every single shelf, drawer, ledge, edge, plastic surface of any kind, was covered in clear plastic film, atop security tape, wrapped in hermetically sealed plastic bags and protected by approximately 764 styrofoam wedges glued to various surfaces with a bonding agent that would hold a suspension bridge together in a hurricane.
It took me 45 minutes to remove the NASA-engineered protective layers from the crisper drawer. The plastic ice scooper was triple bagged, wrapped with tape like a mummy and had to be opened using my neighbor's refrigerator packaging laser cutting tool.
Fortunately, I was home by myself, so only the dogs could hear my screams of impotent rage.
I actually gave up 3/4 of the way through and left my wife to figure out how to get the vacuum sealed impenetra-bag off the ice drawer. Also, one of the French doors was slightly out of level. The instructions on how to insert the plastic spacer to remedy this were in Egyptian, with helpful step by step diagrams created by ancient aliens to defeat any possible chance of human comprehension.
I'll stick with our trusty 1970's garage frig that keeps every beverage on the verge of freezing and was probably transported to its first owners' home strapped to a wooden pallet like a diesel truck axle with zero protective wrapping of any kind.
There must be some kind of compensation or award for being the most put-upon man currently on the planet! 🐱 Truthfully, I have had the same experience, but it was only a sealed package from Costco containing a face cream that promised to restore, refresh and dewrinkle. It didn't. Different scenario with the giant tub of Tide Pods purchased there. I took great pleasure in disabling the child-proof cap with a pair of plyers.
When my father was sick he was the source of immense pride to the 4 year old girl next door, because she would come over when Dad was home alone and open his child proof containers for him. Dad reported this exchange with the doctor:
"Please give me regular caps on the medicine."
"I can't, you told me you regularly have a 4 year old in your house."
"She mostly comes over to open the damn medicine bottles for me!"
The doc had nothing to say to that. Dad got his easy-off caps/
Oh, no! Our fridge is going on about that same age! I hated it when we had to get a new one all those years ago. I am not looking forward to our next "adventure." I envy my second-oldest brother (I have 4 brothers), who has possession of our grandfather's fridge from the 1930s. It's in the basement, and is running like clockwork. Only drawback is, its "freezer" is a tiny little metal compartment that dangles from the top of the fridge compartment. It can freeze about 4 ice cubes--but those ice cubes are about 3x5 inches! Another thing they don't make like they used to.
Isn't that the Ralph Kramden model? I was hoping for a realistic monitor lizard perched in attack mode. If someone sneaks into the kitchen at night for an illicit snack, the lizard's eyes glow red and it emits a high-pitched screech loud enough to wake a spouse or children.
Our trusty old Maytag washer died after 35 years or so, we bought a brand new Amana. First of all, Amanas aren't made in Amana any more. They're just Kenmore junk like everybody else. Got 18 months out of the damn thing, now it has computer trouble.
Get a Speed Queen. They cost more, but I love mine. I called our repair guy and asked which washing machines he doesn't get calls to repair. Speed Queen was one of them. It's a basic washer. If it has a computer, it's a very small one. And this machine holds a LOT of clothes.
You got the model with the mayonnaise door and dispenser. I can't afford that one. That's why I favor Miracle Whip. It doesn't require refrigeration, and it's good for more than twelve years.
Hope this won't jinx anything, but our 'fridge is a Kenmore that we got when we upgraded the house in 1996; and our dishwasher is a KitchenAide we got at the same time; they both work. Appliance guy tells me you'd be lucky to get 8 years out of the new stuff. When our '80s Maytag washer proved unrepairable for want of a part, he sold me a later '80s Maytag that he had refurbished. The ads featuring the Maytag repairman with nothing to do were true.
‘Off the charts’: the key breakthroughs giving new hope in treating cancer
At the 2024 American Society of Clinical Oncology annual meeting, the world’s largest cancer conference, doctors, scientists and researchers shared new findings on ways to tackle the disease.
The event in Chicago, attended by about 44,000 health professionals, featured more than 200 sessions focused on this year’s theme, The Art and Science of Cancer Care: From Comfort to Cure. Here is a roundup of the key studies.
Susan, you’re being ripped off! I get a weekly email with a link to my FREE issue of People courtesy of a reward from an unknown source. I’m now getting the same reward for Southern Living! Only 88% off is no bargain! 😂😂😂
News I can use! Thanks, CarolB. Once when my client had put me in First Cabin on a flight to Atlanta, I was seated next to a guy whose first conversational gambit was to inform me that he had an 8000 sq ft home that had been featured in Southern Living. I responded that I lived in an 1800 sq foot house that had been featured in "You Call THIS Living?" It was a long, quiet flight. AG
Yes, they can. For example the big headline in the WSJ today was "The guests were arriving for his wedding while his $45 billion fund was falling apart." No, I'm not kidding.
I think People is giving these huge discounts to new subscribers just to increase their subscriber count so they can brag about it when they sell the rag to Business Week.
I've long noticed that, the more stuff there is on the outside of the envelope, the less useful the inside is likely to be. "Time-Sensitive Material", "To Be Opened by Addressee Only", "The Favor of a Reply is Requested" -- and the fake handwritten address.
The people who really intend to do something tend to have fairly simple envelopes with return addresses like "US District Court Jury Services".
The beloved Mrs. Blackwater - who will NOT be at CC5 because 40+ years have made her immune to my limited powers of persuasion - is also "ample of bottom". (And, thank God, too busy to surf the net today.) I have pointed out to her that if she looked like Twiggy - her goal, apparently - I would not have been interested in her as a girlfriend. Her response is "I already don't like it, don't make me hate it."
I was once in a conversation and one of the young ladies said of her young handsome boyfriend "He's my Ken doll". I laughed, which seemed to get her a little miffed. She asked me what was so funny, so I told her: "Ken has no genitals." I don't know why my dear wife thinks I cause trouble at parties, what I do is relieve boredom.
I can correctly answer Mrs. Vass' light bulb question because I have hung out with movie/TV people, I know from experience how many actors it takes to change a light bulb. I have seen it done. The answer is "one".
The actor calls a scenic artist, and demands the defective bulb be changed. If the scenic artist wants to get in trouble with the union, he installs a new bulb and has to listen to a lot of static from the union guys - "don't kill the job." (Alternately "you're taking bread from a brother's table.") If the scenic artist wants to be assigned good jobs, he calls the "electrician" and everyone stands around being paid until the electrician shows up and screws in a new bulb (forgot I can use "screw" here.)
I have no idea how making a movie or TV show ends up costing multiple million dollars. It's a true Hollyweird mystery.
Laughter is the best medicine - Readers’s Digest: (Realizing our comedienne extraordinaire has probably heard them all - but humor me. Heh)
A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a martini. Amazed, the bartender thinks, What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink. As he hands the martini over, the animal holds out a $20 bill. The bartender accepts the cash and decides to test his unusual customer’s intellect. He only gives the ape a dollar in change. The gorilla silently begins to sip his drink. “You know,” the bartender says, “we don’t get too many gorillas in here.” The gorilla replies, “At $19 a drink, I’m not surprised.”
Love it! AG
Gotta keep our girl smiling!
(Second good laugh of the day)
(great going Free!)
“Today’s offering will be pure ‘narishkeit’, Yiddish for ‘nonsense’ or ‘triviality’.” Yippee! My ideal Ammo Grrrll column is the unhinged rant, but nonsense, triviality, frivolity…that's right up my alley. And in that spirit I offer a Time is Running Out classic song,
(Cue Liza and “Caberet.”)
“What good is sitting alone in your room? Come hear the music play.
Life is a cabaret old chum. Come to the cabaret.
Put down the knitting, that book and your broom, it’s time for a holiday.
Life is a cabaret old chum, so come to the cabaret.
Come taste the wine, come hear the band,
Come blow your horn start celebrating, right this way your table’s waiting,
No use admitting the prophet of doom…he’ll wipe every smile away.
Life is a cabaret old chum, and I love a cabaret.”
—--
“This portrait would be of a desirable lady by old-timey standards. She would be clothed in a diaphanous gown, resting comfortably upon some sort of divan. She would be ample of bosom and round of belly. And I would mourn the fact that I had clearly missed my era. And did not even own a divan.”
Ammo. You have not missed that era nor has your time run out. The artist formerly known as Prince once wrote in song: “You must remember this, a kiss is still a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh. The fundamental things apply as time goes by.” That’s why so many men sigh when they see America’s Sweetheart, Lizzo twerking onstage [Lizzo is still a “maybe” for Commenter Con Five]. Classy dives all across our great land have portraits of Lizzo stretched-out across a divan or as we say in God’s Country, a couch. And it ain’t easy to stretch-out Lizzo for she’s a whole lot of woman. Ammo, forget Twiggy, think of Lizzo.
As always, the highlight of this or any other week, a bit of fun from our celebrity celebrator-in-chief, a gal who brings us relief from grief, who aids us through occasional thought of disbelief, who playfully mentions Twiggy and not, thank God, Abdul Salam Arif, who set the Commenter Con motif and unlike me knows how to be brief. We give thanks again for another gem from our beloved Mrs. Ammo Grrrll.
Really fun rhymes with the "eef" motif! Well done, sir! AG
Thanks Ammo. Have a good eef...er...uh, sorry. Have a great day.
The sun on the meadow is summery warm.
The stag in the forest runs free.
But gather together to greet the storm.
Tomorrow belongs to me.
The branch of the linden is leafy and green,
The Rhine gives its gold to the sea.
But somewhere a glory awaits unseen.
Tomorrow belongs to me.
The babe in his cradle is closing his eyes
The blossom embraces the bee.
But soon, says a whisper;
"Arise, arise,
Tomorrow belongs to me..."
A fitting "Cabaret" song. Ah, the early days of National Socialism. And to think that now AOC, Bernie Sanders and the Democrats are reviving National Socialism.
Have we learned nothing?
Well, WE have learned something. Some of those around us apparently not.
You know what George W. Bush said:
"Fool me once, shame on me...fool me twice, uh...er...hey, what's the rest of that one?"
"Sometimes you need a little socialism to rescue capitalism."
They always said marijuana was a "gateway" drug to cocaine and heroin. George W. Bush -- not THE most articulate fella -- was my "gateway" Republican after a lifetime of being a Democrat and worse. So I retain a soft spot in my heart for him. Not a fan at all of Endless Wars, or the notion that 7th century savages can embrace democratic principles. BUT, I thought he and Guiliani both did a good job of leadership after 9/11. You remember 9/11, right? That time when "some guys did something" and anyway, "we had it coming?"
Made me into a MAGA girl, it did. AG
Of course I know 9/11...it's that convenience store with the Slurpies.
George W. I'll never forget Rush Limbaugh imitating "Ma" Richards, Governor of Texas trying to mock George W...."George...he was born with a silver foot in his mouth." Dorothy Ann Richards once was the best the Democrats could offer which begs the question: "How on earth do they win?"
Anyway, Rush had a lot of fun with it and George W. did fairly well in two terms as President of the United States.
Funny how we remember but NYC forgot. I think it's because all the native New Yorkers now live in Myrtle Beach.
Before Lizzo, there was Whole Lotta Rosie, about Bon Scott's one night stand with a large Tasmanian woman named Rosie during a tour in Melbourne. She had other talents than singing though.
I know Tazzie is often the butt of Aussie jokes, but my bride and I had a wonderful time seeing Tasmania with dear friends from med/grad school days; ;this was in 2019. No more foreign travel since, but that trip (and a previous one to Israel) were great ways to celebrate our 50th anniversary.
Brief? Ha!
"Brevity is the soul of the half-wit."
Jack Petroski
wheres the V-dub broken down this time?
On Route 66...we hit some sticks.
ouch .... the Seligman to Kingman AZ was pretty void of sticks ... you must be in Illinois Mizzu state line
Jack told me we are "Out in the sticks." I think we're near Joplin, Missouri.
Westerns-for close to 80 years I have watched westerns, gunfights on dusty streets, cowboys hunkered down around the old chuck wagon next to bellowing herds, horses tied up to hitching post in front of the saloon. NOT ONCE have I seen a horse dropping, Amazing breed of animals they have there.
MTG: I will take this opening to recommend my own book, "Gunfighter Legends and Trail Yarns". I wrote a short story for each song on the Mary Robbins "Gunfighter Ballads" album, using the sensibilities of "Bonanza" and "Laramie" but also a few historical patches.
Marty's son Robby wrote the foreword.
I grew up listening to Marty Robbins Gunfighter ballads! Love every one of them. In the '90s, I had a CD of those songs that we listened to in the car and my kids counted the bodies. By the end of the CD, I'm sure the count was over 200. After all, the Ballad Of the Alamo was part of it. The opening chords of El Paso still brings a lump to my throat.
That album was the second one I ever owned -- after the Kingston Trio -- and my besties, Bonnie and Heather and I mooned together as only teenager girls can do in the wonderful finished basement of their home, longing for a real cowboy! AG
I knew several cowboys and had the privilege (although I didn’t know that was what it was at the time) of riding with them many summers. My Uncles Roger and Rod even looked like the romantic version of cowboys. Especially Rod, who was one of the handsomest men imaginable, down to the dimple in the chin.
My son married into a family of cowboys. His father in law still works from horseback every day, raising beef.
At the wedding, my son's new brother in law played guitar and sang. My (then 14 year old) daughter leaned over to me and said "what's he to me once Tyler marries his sister?" I answered "way too old."
Very very funny. AG
my rodeo grandkids are all into country music. We've been having a blast introducing them to the oldies: Dolly Parton, Willie Nelson, Marty Robbins and Kris Kristofferson!
Don't forget George Strait and Merle Haggard! AG
I'd have to be dead to forget George Strait.
I'll never forget watching Pure Country with my youngest daughter when she was ten. She felt about George the way I'd felt about Davy Jones.
the Possum .... Whos gonna fill them shoes .... goose bumps ... Dierks Bently is the only one who comes close that i can think of as far as the men ...... Hold The Light in Only the Brave ........ bigger bumps ....
I tied the stories with a narrator, the Rev. Martin Robbins, MD. I made him a Methodist medical missionary in the Arizona Territory. If you think about the songs, by the time he was done, you needed the doctor...or the preacher...or both.
The Judge and I came across Marty Robbins' Christmas Album years ago. The mind boggled and we immediately began thinking of what Christmas songs would come from the creator of El Paso. Our favorite was 'I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, so I chased him down and shot him. And his reindeer too!'
That book is a great collection.
Thank you, Clark/Eddie!
Paul, as we know, production of Westerns had been a mainstay of the motion picture and television industry for about 4 decades.Every member of the crews standing by at the ready to deal with the loads of manure and urine continuously deposited on set, when asked it they were looking for cleaner work, said, "What, and give up showbiz?"
Paul, I noticed that the streets in the Westerns, while dirt, were never really dirty.
Women weren’t raising their skirts to keep them clean
My maternal grandmother, born in 1888, said in rural Minnesota the streets were filthy and ladies had to raise their long skirts because the menfolk would spit tobacco right in the street and even on the board sidewalks! She wore a dress every single day of her long life, but was happy when hemlines went above the ankle so they didn't drag in the crud in the street. AG
That sounds like my grandmother!
They may have been many states apart, but were two of a kind!
I’m among the first generation of my family who didn’t grow up on a farm-ranch.
Many of my cousins have remained in the family business & two of our farms-ranches have been family owned for well over a century.
We came from KY & TN, one family before the Civil War, the others during Reconstruction.
My aunt married a saddle maker & settled in Gainesville TX.
Jack Cheaney’s grandfather has a saddle in the Western Hall of Fame.
Now Uncle Jack’s son, Bruce, is a saddle maker.
He also hand forges bits & spurs.
His clientele stretches from Australia to Germany…and includes some famous country stars.
I may look & act like a city girl, but my heart’s in the country.
Though, like Aunt Bonnie - Uncle Jack’s wife & Mom’s younger sister, I sure do love art & classical music.
I love the Westerns. As a child I never missed the Roy Rogers show if I could help it.
Mom & Dad watched all of the prime time Westerns.
i suspect you watch GRIT ?
Watch it? I subscribed to it!
nice .. discovered it about 8 months ago i think ..... great stuff
Truly?
Well, Susan, I know one woman who is now an adult, who watched Diana and Charles get married, wept when they divorced, and cried buckets when Diana was murdered. But this woman has never and will never march in a "No Kings" parade. She's my baby sister. (Isn't there an old saying about "there's always one to prove the rule" or something like that? LOL!) I tried so hard to convince her to come to CC5, but she and my brother-in-law already had plans...sounds familiar, doesn't it? SIGH. But, Fred and I are coming, and we are really looking forward to meeting so many people whom I feel are already friends! Oh--and I got to see Big Boy 4014 zoom past a tiny little cemetery in McComb, Ohio, AND I was interviewed by a TV reporter about my visit to Muskegon Michigan to see the WWII submarine USS Silversides be towed across Lake Michigan to go into dry dock! Maybe I'll be on the cover of People magazine some day, too! hahahahahahahah!
I cannot WAIT to meet you!! There is no accounting for baby sisters. Everyone should have one as sweet as ours. AG
There may be no accounting for baby sisters, but if you took one to the movies, your parents will expect an accounting if you don't bring her home.
I was born 8 minutes after my identical twin. She spent her life condescendingly referring to me as her "kid sister".
Then you should list her in your phone contacts as Spare Parts. My apologies if she is no longer available.
Back in the day when I was running, I planned to do a fun run at the Rose Festival in Portland. My baby sister was 18 and wanted to run it with me. I told her to go down to the track every day and she said she did, but being a baby sister she didn't. She thought being 13 years younger than me, she would be fine. She wasn't. About a quarter of the way through the run and I looked back. No sis. I figured she would show up at the finish. She did not. I imagined having to call mom and tell her I lost her baby. I ran all over downtown Portland looking for her. I finally decided I would go back to where we had parked the car and got on a bus. We went about a mile and the bus stopped to pick up passengers and one was my teary eyed baby sister. She saw me and it was like she was seeing the second coming of Christ. I saw her and knew that I was not going to be killed by my mom.
The accounting is easy. You had one, now you have zero.
Unless it comes to immigration
I've got a bunch of hugs saved up just for you. They'll be gentle ones. My little sister pretty terrific, now that she's grown up. She was 11 years old when Fred and I started dating!
And my baby brother was 11 at Joe/Max's and my wedding! Hugs always welcome. I'm a huggin' fool. AG
Me too!
"I'm glad you could make it to CC5, but where's your charming wife?"
"Oh, she had a change in plans."
"I was expecting a few of your friends, too."
"They're at the funeral."
Hardee har har.
There are quite a few golf jokes with this same theme.
I got this from one about a football game.
Make that 'two' Sue.
Sorry to burst Susan's bubble but I LOVE the Royals! (well, at least I love Diana, William and Kate, and their kids. And the late Queen. The rest of them you can throw in the dumpster as far as I'm concerned. And even a dumpster is too good for Charles and Camilla.)
AND there is no one more MAGA than I am.
So there goes that theory. 😊
One exception doth not a theory disprove! But, I mean it all in good fun and hope that this will not be the deciding factor in whether or not you come back to us at CC5!
AG
Not at all. If anything it is more incentive to be present to personally disprove a theory. I'm forever the oppositional one. 😂
Well, in that case: "Graham Platner was a great candidate and thoughtful boyfriend." CHANGE MY MIND. In person. At CC5. Lol. Email Petroski at antoinepetrofsky@gmail.com to sign up TODAY!! AG
I will bring a crown for you, Gail!
I'll take it!! 😂
Is it cardboard, and does it read "Burger King"?
You have to love QEII - both the Queen and the ocean liner. There are few things I wouldn't do to ride the ship - or ask the Queen what it was like driving trucks in WWII.
I prefer ships that can take care of themselves. Here's a shot I took of Missouri while aboard the Long Beach crossing the Pacific. No Somali pirates put in an appearance.
https://flic.kr/p/54zJDE
Dennis, I had the "privilege" of sitting on a hill one day watching the New Jersey blast away at an enemy camp quite a bit inland from me. Three 16" guns firing at once. What a huge orange ball of flame in the sky!
Ol' Mel
I got to see Missouri fire 9 gun broadsides out at sea.
I've been on the Missouri a couple of times in Pearl Harbor. I'm grateful I've had the opportunity.
Wow, Dennis! What an unforgettable sight! Thanks so much for posting that.
Well, for several grand, you and Bonnie could sail on the ship.
Problem: Mrs. B hates boats and is afraid of the water. When she was an EMT for a private service she was assigned to an oil spill boat that had to go out in a small gale, 5-10 foot seas. She is dedicated and brave, but would probably shoot me if I suggested a boat ride of any sort.
I'm with Mrs. B. I'm not a boat fan either, and I can't swim. So, no cruises, very few small boat trips on "safe" rivers, etc.
It's a particular point about QE2 that she's too large for the Panama Canal. So if you're going round the Horn, make sure it's around December.
That doesn't sound like much fun. The Southern Ocean can get right snotty:
https://youtu.be/ET9nv1jpghY
My mom always wanted to experience the QEII (the ship; she had already met the person) but my dad had passed and she couldn't find anyone to accompany her. (And I hate the notion of cruises in general) so she did a repositioning cruise with an old friend where it repositioned from London to NYC. Sadly she had a terrible time as she and reportedly most of the passengers were all seasick from the rough seas. 😢
Well, Susan, I know one woman who is now an adult, who watched Diana and Charles get married,
Some of us bought and sent them a toaster. :-)
Joan Rivers (may she rest in peace) put out a comedy album about that time with a cover shot of the Royal Wedding Party and herself superimposed at the end of a row, carrying a blender with a big pink bow. I laughed my patootie off. But, it came back.
AG
LOL!!!
knowing the British have funny ... er ... different names to most everything .. much to my dismay i could not find one for .... a toaster .... maybe Louis can confirm this
The Haynes workshop manuals for my British cars always began with a helpful glossary of British vs. American terms for automotive parts and fluids.
You are slowly revealing yourself as a VERY interesting fella. Are you coming to CC5? If not, why not??
That’s odd, John, since you can certainly buy what we (former) English call a toaster from, for example, Williams Sonoma. This is one of those rare occasions where our two languages are as one.
I'd like to see another British trivia quiz, either linguistic or otherwise.
There will be another quiz. Not just British trivia, but global, and much of it will be fiendishly difficult. I will be adding a few simpler ones for the Petroskis, AHM and whatever other poor souls they can add to their team.
That's what me and my brother Jack bought Taylor Swift and her husband Kelce Swift.
I hope it came with instructions,
I'm vaguely related to Diana. My great-grandfather was a Damer-Drew, which family was related to the Spencer-Churchills as far back at 1066. One D'hamer and one Courcelles were knights of William the Conqueror. Those names were later anglicized to Damer and Churchill.
I suppose I'm in line to inherit the Throne, but probably about 900 people would have to die suddenly first before there would be a King Dennis, the Defender of the Faith.
Have you ever seen the HIGHLY RECOMMENDED wonderful Sir Alec Guinness film, Kind Hearts and Coronets? It is that exact same plot -- Guinness plays 7 roles and has to eliminate everyone else in line for some Dukedom. Hilarious, very British dialogue. On my Top 10 Movies Evah list. AG
My parents took me to see the classic Alec Guinness films at the Dupont Theater in Washington, DC, back when they were new. I have a box of five of them on DVD now.
I saw the Big Boy in Utah - they took it off display and sent it out to help bring in a disabled conventional train, much to the delight of the assembled multitudes. Yeah, I hung in Salt Lake all day to see it come back.
Big Boy is impressive, isn't it? Funny, how old trains can rescue new ones...gosh, seems like there should be some kind of moral to that.
Wife and I went to Truckee, CA (top of the Sierras near Lake Tahoe) for a weekend a couple of months ago. We found the historical museum and the train station, where they sold me the Big Boy merch. 4014 was supposed to come to Truckee in the spring, but a late snow storm prevented it. I will watch for his next appearance.
I couldn't make it as far as Truckee, I was thrown out of California for smoking. (truck flunked emissions) I am watching a good friend die, he always raved about that area and bemoaned the fact that if he bought land north of Truckee he'd be subject to rule by Sacramento.
I watched the Diana funeral and also cried. And then wondered why. And I do admit to clicking on the Markles stories that come up on Edge when I start the computer which are actually quite boring. I’m waiting to see if the children actually have faces. Lots of hype there. Megan shares summer vacation pics!!!!! The kids are always clutching the parents but you only see them from behind.
I think we all cried at the Diana funeral. It seems to me that after the divorce she had become more of a real person and was trying to do good things. Didn't she have a thing for getting rid of land mines in some countries that still had many left over from previous conflicts? I felt for her, at the time, young sons who had to go through the whole thing. I still blame the paparazzi for her death. They had no mercy just to get a photograph.
I did feel sorry for her children and what they had to endure growing up. I just want to remember the other well-known person who died that day as well: Mother Teresa of Calcutta.
She seemed to be unaware of ground-penetrating radar.
Sue, you are our kinda gal. I'll wear my "Big Boy" t-shirt and baseball cap just for you.
Living through times of great change can be unsettling, especially for us old folks. Yet a great change is long overdue, and we have great champions rising to the fight. I find myself optimistic; not for Europe, not for the Middle East, but for America. We're going to win this thing; the youngsters will discover the value of liberty.
I love your optimism and hope it is contagious, my talented young friend! AG
Tim - a minor correction if you don’t mind. You have too much zest for and interest in life for “old.” Surely it’s simply “older”, if you must!
I can promise you, he could pass for 40. I think he pretends to be somewhere around 60, perhaps to enhance his gravitas! AG
Oh good grief, then. He’s a mere baby!
Zackly! And a very handsome baby with a really beautiful wife. Funny, how that often happens! AG
At sixty-eight, I'm almost too old for tantrums!
Does your wife let you drink beer? If so I'm buying.
Maybe. They are too brainwashed and poorly educated
We are on the side of the angels, Tim, that's for sure.
I'm with you there, Tim. The Trump Presidency plus the 250th anniversary of our incomparable political experiment have brought out from our people the deep-seated love of country yearning to rise up after too many years of left-wing finger-pointing and outright hatred of a country that has the most freedom and prosperity in human history.
At least for now, we ARE winning!
Dear Ammo,
"Alas, I am only human and I need a little mental break to heal." #metoo
I used to think if I live as long as I have things would be so much better in our country and the world that I'd be sad to leave it. Now I am sad to see what we and the world at large have become. And I am really tired of hearing how us boomers are the cause of it all. As if we are all old hippies. Not. It wears me down mentally and emotionally at times.
The good news is, I expect to snap out of it any minute now. I am going to start by getting up off my lazy butt, taking a shower and getting the hell out of the house for a while or two. ;-)
Here's wishing you the best Grrrl,
Jim
P.S. The subject title of your post made me think this was going to be a long advertisement, much like People magazine, that CC5 was just around the corner. You had better act now. You did manage to slip it in. And, rightfully so. ;-)
It's been almost 40 years since Billy Joel's hit We Didn't Start the Fire.
And it's been almost 60 years since Billie Joe McAllister jumped off the Tallihatchie bridge
Ten yards!
' And I am really tired of hearing how us boomers are the cause of it all. '
Being slightly older than the boomers, I find it difficult to sympathize. Sorry.
Hello Jack, If you are older than the boomers, all I can say is God bless. Not looking for sympathy, just would appreciate a 'recognition' that not all boomers are old hippies. Many are not. I detest those who I see supporting the left today as much if not more than anyone. And didn't care for them in the sixties either. Anyhow, take care young man ;-), and I wish you many more years to come.
"just would appreciate a 'recognition' that not all boomers are old hippies"
Recognized. Cheers, and I wish you many more years as well.
This was a welcome piece after Wednesday's Fauci fest. I was getting ready for company and did the vacuuming during the Democrats' sycophantic performances. An obvious glutton for punishment, I kept the hearing on until the 111th invocation of 5th amendment. I would be interested to know how People's ad revenue is doing as print relevance continues to shrink and more people see "it girls" as just "who the hell is (and who cares about) that girl?" I know everyone in my Gen X circle has a running "De Niro Directory" of celebs who open their mouths and render themselves repugnant, unwatchable, and irrelevant. I'm with you - "FOMO" for me is "Fine with Missing Out." Happy Friday!
Fine with Missing Out! Beautiful.
Happy Friday to you Kelly and well-said. And the less said about Fauci, the better. It's obvious he's going to skate.
The "De Niro Directory." I offer one of my favorite singers, a Fauci fave...none other than Babs, Barbra Streisand. I hear she has a boil on her bottom.
"And the less said about Fauci, the better." Apparently he agrees with you.
That was crazy. Were I Trump, I'd arrest Fraudci and claim he renounced his pardon. One cannot get a pardon and then not testify about what happened - because you cannot be incriminated when you cannot be prosecuted.
Fauci is both a coward and a world class egotist. He knows that so many lefties are supporting him and condemning Rand Paul for being "mean to him".
A guy who actually claimed he was "the Science" (which no true scientist would ever say), and yet labelled the three world-class immunologists who wrote the Great Barrington Declaration as "marginal", is not only scientifically illiterate but clearly does not remotely deserve the title "scientist".
I lost all respect for anyone who backed the Wuhan Panic when I saw how they treated those who wrote the Great Barrington Declaration.
Signing that was a highlight of that time for me.
He lined his pockets and padded his ego on the backs of many people, especially children and the elderly. Coward and egotist are perfect adjectives for him.
Florida's AG is already investigating whether Fauci violated state laws. If so, he will be prosecuted; and might even be found guilty in Florida.
Too bad he's not being prosecuted in Louisiana, I hear Angola is a particularly charming place to spend the summer.
This is where Dr. Fauci has the out to invoke his Fifth Amendment rights.
It's crucial to protect the rights of those we despise in order to protect our own.
Very good Deb.
X out the Facebook popup and also X out the mute button, for a more pleasant look at Dr. Fauci:
https://www.facebook.com/reel/897716579589681
Babs with a boil...I really want to un-see that.
As my All-American friend Louis Mullinger would say,
"Babs has a boil on her bum."
shes turned into the boil on our bum ... i see Madison WI is trying to steal y'alls crown Tone
Madison Wisconsin doesn't know how to conduct a decent mostly peaceful riot.
agreed .. looks pretty wimpy
Taylor Swift’s “songs are unhummable nothing-burgers, and her voice strikes me as average at best”. Well, I am sure you are correct, Susan, but I can honestly say that to the best of my knowledge I have never heard a Taylor Swift song, although I guess that it must have burbled away in the background of my life. I do not listen to modern “popular” music (Gosh - does that mean I am an old fogey?), so likewise I have never knowingly heard anything by most of the other popular entertainers of today - not even the great Lizzo (sorry, Tony P).
I do intend to listen to one new piece of music however, the Rolling Stones new album, Foreign Tongues. I read that it is classic Stones style, so will be just up my street.
To my mind, there has been little music of note written since the 1970s, when my tastes were formed by the Stones, Rod Stewart and Pink Floyd, supplemented by much earlier forms, such as Dixieland Jazz and the Blues. In later life I now find myself enjoying opera. Is that a sign of old age?
How could a former Brit, now proud American, NOT mention the Beatles? And how could ANYONE not mention The Eagles? AG
In the early 1960s in England, The Beatles changed everything, and for a brief period we were all fans. Then the Rolling Stones came on the scene and the world divided between those who favored the Beatles and those who favored the stones. Very quickly I became a Stones fan and still prefer their music. The Beatles were (and are) undoubtedly great and transformative, but given the choice, I will take the London Blues sound over Liverpool pop
Which is your right, dear heart. I enjoyed the Stones to listen to and especially to dance to. But I could not stand watching them perform. Mick with his licking his mate's face! Almost all the women my age agreed with YOU, by the way. They liked a lot of "bad" boys.
When Mick left his model wife, Jerry Hall, after 4 kids, to pursue a much younger model, even Keith Richards advised him to cool it. When the Voice of Reason is Keith Richards, maybe it's time to examine your life! AG
I hesitate to rank greats against one another instead of with one another. I love much of the music of the Stones and the Beatles.
I'm with you on the London Blues sound. "Get Your Ya-Yas Out"!
As to the Beatles, two words: Yoko Ono.
I have been driving a lot lately, and so listening to entire CDs. I am probably the first person to transit South Carolina Route 4 while listening to Klezmer music, my last trip I listened to Beethoven on the way down and Frank Zappa on the way back, because you really can't do that on stage anymore. When Amazon was just starting, I think I short-circuited whatever program comes up with suggestions based on your buying habits. Ordering Jeff Beck, Chopin, and Roger Miller actually got it to give up and stop suggesting.
I'm with you on that one, Louis. I have "Miss You", "Sympathy for the Devil" and several others on my saved playlist.
The Animals
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t6gcxNFc1I0
Being from Tennessee and loving the outdoors, I favored John Denver and his contemporaries.
The Eagles are my all-time favorite, and second is The Rolling Stones.
I liked a couple of the Beatles' songs, but then they recorded, "I wanna hold your hand."
As John Wayne might have said, after that they should have to ride side-saddle.
This made the rest worth it:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oxwAB3SECtc
I’m with you Louis, on never having heard a Taylor Swift song, unless it’s being playing as background in an elevator and I didn’t notice. Regarding music since the 70’s, it’s my favorite era as I turned 18 in 1970—my Car radio is pretty much stuck on that stream, although lately (guilty pleasure) I’ve been listening to Bluegrass and found in very enjoyable.
The Beatles broke up the year before I started college. Then my first girlfriend was a talented violist who introduced me to classical music. After that, popular music was less interesting to me.
Debbie should note my careful phraseology.
I'm a nut about classical music, to the extreme I even made the pilgrimage back in 1985. Selfies were difficult to perform back then.
https://flic.kr/p/2h9b95K
I had the incredible privilege of hearing an organ concert in St. Thomas' church, Leipzig, in July 1990--while staring at the stone over Bach's grave. Visited Mozart's little apartment near Stefansdom in Vienna, and Schubert's birthplace in the same wonderful, music-crazed city.
Joe would have lost his mind. How wonderful. AG
The Bavarian government had to plan an autobahn over Beethoven's grave. When sextons dug up the coffin, they heard a tearing sound. They opened it up and there was Beethoven's skeleton, tearing up his music.
He was decomposing.
My then girlfriend and now wife was a talented clarinetist, so I can relate.
Duly noted!
1. Five yards, Fogey Rule, specific date >5 years before present.
2. We raised our children on the classics: Beach Boys, Stones, Beatles, Moody Blues, etc. 3. Our favorite radio station has a segment at 7 am, "The College of Musical Knowledge". It is nothing but a five-minute egregious reminder of why I passed the Fogey Rule by edict. But we listen religiously.
Ok, I get it, I’m a “fogey” but, seriously, popular music that was recorded 50 or 60 years ago is still being played everywhere. Some of the performers, e.g., The Rolling Stones are still trudging out on stage to packed stadiums. Do you think that will be true in 2076 for Taylor Swift or any rapper?
Taylor Swift songs will be covered as long as there is such a thing as pop music.
you've all heard her stuff, at weddings, at the bank, at ball games; you just didn't know it.
I guess her last tour did earn a billion dollars for some reason.
As I stipulated, dear John, (WHO BY THE WAY IS SPEAKING AT CC5 AFTER HIS HIT SHOW AT CC3), I do admire the young lady's business chops. AG
The reason: Stupid teenage and old-enough-to-know-better girls.
It is a point to ponder that Bob Dylan songs are now used as background music at grocery stores.
Sic transit gloria. Or G-L-O-R-I-A whatever. AG
Not to mention one of Jimmy Buffett's songs, the title of which begins "Why don't we get drunk...."
Ah, dear John...no, I'm not ditching you.
Dear John, the Fogey Rule has nothing to do with the offender being a Fogey. It has to do with reminding the rest of us that we are Fogeys! But ignorance of the rule is no excuse.
Clear evidence that I am a fogey.
Is John Fogerty considered a fogey? 🐱
Springsteen is a bona fide fogey, but once...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iOYMHP89xrg
I'm fogeying it all the way today, Deb. I immediately thought of "Kay Kyser's Kollege of Musical Knowledge".
Jerry Collonia ran one also, I believe.
ADDED: Copilot says I have my head in my ... ear. Jerry Colona was the singer I was thinking of but they only acknowledge Mr. Kyser's college.
Beach Boys and Moody Blues - two more of my faves, Miss Debbie! In fact, our wedding song was Nights in White Satin.
Uhhhh … at the risk of violating the Fogey Rule: Knights in White Satin was the theme of our senior prom ( our high school mascot was a knight ).
Miss Debbie is going to call a penalty!
The penalty falls on "Knights in White Satin". The song is actually "Nights In White Satin".
Our friend P did not cite a specific date or interval. The Fogey Rule requires only that we avoid specific dates or intervals greater than five years before the present. References to presidents' administrations, major historical events or other clear markers are permitted -- it's the calendar math that makes the violation.
Fortunately, Mr. Yankovich has expanded my acquaintance and appreciation of popular music produced recently.
N.B. Recently means "since college."
Nice dodge of the Fogey Rule.
The Mrs. and I love to watch Jeopardy. Almost everyday they have a category relating to modern popular music. I never get any of those questions right. Maybe because I only listen to two or three XM Radio stations where all the artists are dead. I guess that cuts down on the royalties they might have to pay.
I believe they just pay the heirs, assuming the artist hasn't followed Tom Lehrer's lead and put all his music in the public domain. (yes, I know there are a lot of music at CCs, and yes, this is a left-handed request.)
OH, I forgot. I am also a big fan of the classic western movie music of Ennio Morricone, whose compositions were key to the works of, in particular, Sergio Leone.
Loved his sound track for The Mission. And this comes from a guy who came by his hate for Robert DeNiro honedtly.
Morricone is truly wonderful.
Here's proof: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PuyYc0gINbU
A search on YouTube for “Danish National Symphony” will bring up several videos of a concert of Morricone’s music for the spaghetti westerns. It’s amazing to see some of the weird and wonderful instruments used to create those unearthly sounds.
You should also check out the Ukelele Orchestra of Great Britain.
Or the Typewriter Orchestra of Boston, MA
Yes, folks, it's real. You have to use real typewriters for this -- a notebook computer won't do it.
The Accordion Orchestra of Emerald, Wisconsin would be worth checking out - if anyone had been foolish enough to record us.
Love Morricone.
I think you are mistaken about the new Stones album. I believe it is a percussion collection using kitchen tools made in China: Foreign Tongs.
try a little Eddie Money
Like you AG, the bane of my life is mail. In Canada they have had mail delivery for only 5 days a week for decades. Coming back to the US and having to toss out gobs of rot SIX days a week drives me close to losing what's left of my mind.
The majority of our mail is indeed unwanted and unsolicited landfill. Where DO they get my address? (Ok I know, it gets sold to other outlets). Even my few magazine subscriptions still send me a request to renew with every issue and even sometimes in between. My few charities dun me for more money almost weekly, an annoying use of my charitable contributions.
The dumbest thing I ever did once was carefully choose three Republican politicians to whom I sent fairly generous campaign contributions. For more than a year following that, my mailbox was stuffed with solicitations from literally every other GOP politician, pleading for money - literally stuffed so full it sometimes fell out of my quite large mailbox. For that very reason, I no longer give money to any political entity. I want to, but I won't open myself to that ever again.
Nobody even sends out birthday cards unless you're ancient and have ancient friends.
What else can you expect in a world where you can say everything from "Hi" to "Happy Divorce" to "Leave me alone you unspeakable @#%&**" on multiple social media outlets and never have to see, hear or meet another human, nor memorize the location of a post office if you so desire.
I still insist on paying many of my bills by mail. One reason is that when I pass on, I want my power of attorney to know what regular payments I have made and what subscriptions I have signed up for , so that I don't have multiple automatic deductions from my bank account long after I'm gone.
Another pet peeve is that you have to pay for EVERYTHING now. Not one news source and fewer and fewer substacks are available free online. It's poverty by a thousand cuts just to stay informed. And don't get me started on the cost of TV.
So I get why you're in a bad head space, dear friend. But you and Joe's columns, and the commenters who fill me with such joy and laughter, are reliable and welcome sources of contact with others who think the same and have delightfully original ways of explaining the world to me. Bless you all, you mean the world to me.
Public service announcement:
instructions for getting rid of junk mail can be found here, and I will tell you that it actually works.
https://consumer.ftc.gov/articles/how-stop-junk-mail
Well said. Living out in the middle of nowhere, I see first the rural carriers, and now employees because they wouldn't pay the carriers enough, driving long routes and I think what it must cost - and then I think of Wyoming. We are wasting money on an industrial scale - actually beyond industrial because an industry runs out of money. Governments print more, until our money runs out of value. Then the waste hits the rotating cooling device.
Regular payments...I invested in Phillips Milk of Magnesia and I get regular dividends.
This is not about time running out! It is about plain and simple running, like for your life.
Hanging outside the pool hall after a couple of beers at the White House (not that one) with a buddy, Dewald, who was born with one leg shorter than the other. All of us are so gifted, that’s why when lost we tend to walk in great circles when not holding a compass. But in Dewald’s case we’re talking three inches and a prosthetic boot.
A forty-nine shoebox rolls by, hot summer night windows down. Dewald for some unknown reason, maybe even a minor epileptic fit, yells out a racial slur aimed at “Canada’s First” nations people—Indians by American parlance. Up Selkirk Avenue the brakes on the shoebox shriek, the doors open, and we’re in deep do-doo.
Dewald jumps the fence of the property we’re standing in front of and beats cheeks for the alley behind the house. Feeling like an orphan abandoned on some church steps, I have no alternative and join the steeplechase. Over the fence, through the yard, across the alley, through David Steinberg’s (yes, that David Steinberg) former side yard, and onto Prichard Avenue.
One leg three inches shorter than the other and I can’t catch Dewald, but hot on his tail, I head up Salter Street. At full-tilt-buggee pace I run past St. Joseph’s old-folks home, soon to be christened a geriatric centre, to catch Dewald at Manitoba Avenue. He’s breathing hard, while I’m ready to collapse. We were smokers then. Dewald pulls out an Export ‘A’ (think unfiltered Camels), lights up and says with a Bogart voice that would have fooled Lauren Bacall, “We could have taken those guys.”
On the verge of throttling Dewald, I say, “That Shoebox was a four-door.”
He after a moment’s pause says, “What’s that got to do with anything?’
I can’t believe what I’m hearing and say, “All those doors opened at the same time.”
Bogey, cigarette on his lip, says, “We still could have taken those guys.”
Susan, you said we could write about anything. This is my long-way-around to say I really hate guys that don’t have a grasp of reality.
And I meant what I said. Great story!! AG
Dewald didn't have to outrun the offended shoebox passengers.
He just had to outrun you.
now thats how ya tella tale ...
I enjoyed that Cas.
Excellent tale. I'll bet you've got a shoebox full of 'em.
But. . . What '49 four-door sedan could be accurately called a 'Shoebox'? Back then, cars had some heft to them.
The 1949 ford flat head was referred to as the Shoebox. There were two types a coupe and a sedan.
Well, I didn't know that. I remember the '49-'51 Fords well, but not that nickname. Learn something new every day!
Hilarious, as usual. But not Hil-liar-ious. I did not detect a single untruthful statement in your post today. Therefore, I will take up your challenge and post something totally unrelated to People magazine: Instructions that come with products made in China. I ordered a mechanical, 1-hour kitchen timer from Amazon, to replace the one I accidentally messed up while using it to time an outside project's waiting time (letting glue set). The "user manual", a tiny piece of paper says :
"VERY impotent!!! Please follow instruction. Otherwise, it won't ring. How dose mechanical timer work? Mechanical times dosn't need battery, it is powered by mechanical movement with spring like old springtoy, you need wind up first to getpower to make it work, so this timer you must turn to 55 every time to activate and then turn back to time you want to set. WHY not ring?"
All of the misspellings in this part of my post are directly from the instructions.
I won't bore everybody to death with the rest of them. If I knew how to upload images as attachments to a comment, I would just have done that. MY POINT: they are all illiterate. Why in the world is China, of all countries, not able to find anybody to write literate English instructions when they send nearly every intelligent student they have to the US to get PhDs in thermonuclear engineering or brain surgery? Do they not have access to Google translation services? I cannot imagine what Chinese instructions translated into German must read like. And yet we are letting China take over all of our major universities' faculties, except the useless ones at places like Columbia, which the Chinese cavalierly leave to Hamas to run.
I took a course in Marketing once (in my third college) and there was a section of our textbook that featured all kinds of hilarious "mis-steps" especially in marketing American products to Asia and India. If memory serves, I believe the slogan for Pepsi was translated as "Pepsi brings back your ancestors from the dead!" in Chinese. I think IKEA has the right idea -- only illustrations! AG
Then there was the Chevy Nova that was being marketed in Mexico. Only issue was “no va” means “doesn’t go” in Spanish.
In the late 70's No Vas lived up to their Spanish name.
Mine didn't! It went ZOOOM!! LOL! It had a v-8 engine. My brothers accused me of driving a "muscle car." Well, I was the one who made it home during the blizzard one night, driving my Nova--my oldest brother had to give up and stop at the house of someone we knew from church. Hah! ^_^ I also found a leather-and-chrome Polaroid camera under the carpet on the passenger side of that Nova, when my then-boyfriend-now-hubby and I drove from Lansing, MI to St Ignace, the Wednesday between Christmas and New Year's, in 1977 (I think) to attend the wedding of Fred's office partner. We came into St Ignace running on fumes--my car had a 20-gallon gas tank, and we put 22 gallons into it!
There isn't much I wouldn't do for a '69 Nova with a 327. Wonderful cars. But '79? If it ran well, somebody fixed it.
I think mine was a '73. I bought it used--only to discover about 3 years later that it had been in a wreck. The copper-colored right front fender and right front passenger doors were turning a different copper color than the reset of the car. I bought a brand-new 1980 Buick Skylark (stick shift) in December of 1979. Sadly, it had major problems--the plastic throw-out gear failed. But I won't bore you with the long story about trying to get Buick to pay for the repairs which I had to have done before the recall was issued.
They certainly did!
I think the translation for Coke was "Bite the wax tadpole".
Japanese and Chinese speakers cannot discern between the English "l" and "r" sounds. I know first hand, having spent many hours trying to help my Japanese students hear and say these sounds.
This failure to discern the difference between l and r also shows up when they write and fail to proofread. One of the more famous gaffes known was a huge sign painted in support of General MacArthur when he ran for political office.
The sign ostensibly read, "WE PRAY FOR MACARTHUR'S ELECTION." That's what they thought it said, anyway. Unfortunately, they mixed up the l and r sounds on election, and the meaning turned out quite differently than they expected.
Hilarious. AG
I thought you would enjoy that one.
Well, you force me to mention that our two incredibly lovely and talented granddaughters are learning Mandarin at a charter school; and we moved from San Diego to be with them. "With" has meant from Thanksgiving until this weekend, in the same house with us. It has been quite a ride. Today we had a puppet show: three performances, snacks, tickets, and an MC with a toy microphone that actually amplified Audrey's voice. It's wonderful to be an old man and be able to tell my wife, as I did today, that I'm in love with three other women. A married woman and her two daughters.
"Do you like Mandarin Chinese?"
"You naughty thing, I've never Mandared Chinese!"
The best American companies slap Old Glory on the packaging, put "Made in China" in small letters in the bottom corner, and do the marketing in Chicago, hence an American product.
I hate to write this, but many Chinese really never write English well. I think they're either helped with their dissertations or given a pass for what they meant to say when they write them.
A friend of mine is half Japanese/ half Chinese. She spent the first 11 years of her life in Hong Kong before her family immigrated and settled in Idaho. I met her about 10 years later, and she spoke English really well. But when she wrote it, she didn't put the articles (a, an, the) in and overall couldn't write in English very well. Neither Japanese, Chinese, nor Koreans use articles, and it shows when they try to write English. (Or possibly Spanish, French, or Portugese?)
its close enough .... like Spanglish ....
First, Susan is absolutely correct about Jennifer Grimm. What a voice. What stage presence. What a talent. She -- and Max's brilliant band -- are worth the cost of the entire CC5 extravaganza. And it's Susan's birthday! If you miss her birthday party, you will not be invited to Texas line dancing.
Oh wait, Texas line dancing is what my wife will soon be doing with her friends. She has begged me to go. I've made it clear to her that I would sooner be reborn as a jar of Duke's mayo living in a Soviet forced labor camp.
(Before you say that I'm a stick in the mud -- I prefer redwood in the mud -- I did learn to swing dance so that I could impersonate double club foot Fred Astaire and dance to Sinatra's "Our Love Is Here To Stay" with my wife at our wedding. To accomplish this, I had to attend dance lessons. At a studio run by a man who looked like Boris Karloff with an eating disorder. I spent 30 minutes dancing with a strange woman (we'll call her Miss Havisham) -- yes, I was delighted to find out you get different partners -- many, many decades my senior, who had mint green denture cream crusted in each corner of her mouth and told me more than once that I "had a strong torso.")
I consider my dance lessons a sacrifice akin to losing a limb.
Anyway, because we get to discuss anything and dancing was an ancillary nonsense topic, I will use the remainder of my time to air yet another of my infinite list of petty grievances.
We got a new fridge yesterday; our old one went kaput. It had a solid 12 year run, so it was time. The new one is super fancy, it has a "beverage center" hidden in the left door and can make ice cubs in the shape of zoo animals. Note: we did not splurge for the fridge that one can see into from the outside, with the special viewing panel to observe the nine containers of vanilla yogurt that have gone bad. When I want to see what's in our fridge, I open the door. We also told the very helpful Lowe's guy that we did not need the teleporter feature.
The fridge arrived and was installed without any dented drywall or a water line explosion.
However, what I soon discovered is that new refrigerators are packaged to withstand re-entry to the earth's atmosphere from space. EVERY millimeter of this refrigerator, every single shelf, drawer, ledge, edge, plastic surface of any kind, was covered in clear plastic film, atop security tape, wrapped in hermetically sealed plastic bags and protected by approximately 764 styrofoam wedges glued to various surfaces with a bonding agent that would hold a suspension bridge together in a hurricane.
It took me 45 minutes to remove the NASA-engineered protective layers from the crisper drawer. The plastic ice scooper was triple bagged, wrapped with tape like a mummy and had to be opened using my neighbor's refrigerator packaging laser cutting tool.
Fortunately, I was home by myself, so only the dogs could hear my screams of impotent rage.
I actually gave up 3/4 of the way through and left my wife to figure out how to get the vacuum sealed impenetra-bag off the ice drawer. Also, one of the French doors was slightly out of level. The instructions on how to insert the plastic spacer to remedy this were in Egyptian, with helpful step by step diagrams created by ancient aliens to defeat any possible chance of human comprehension.
I'll stick with our trusty 1970's garage frig that keeps every beverage on the verge of freezing and was probably transported to its first owners' home strapped to a wooden pallet like a diesel truck axle with zero protective wrapping of any kind.
There must be some kind of compensation or award for being the most put-upon man currently on the planet! 🐱 Truthfully, I have had the same experience, but it was only a sealed package from Costco containing a face cream that promised to restore, refresh and dewrinkle. It didn't. Different scenario with the giant tub of Tide Pods purchased there. I took great pleasure in disabling the child-proof cap with a pair of plyers.
When my father was sick he was the source of immense pride to the 4 year old girl next door, because she would come over when Dad was home alone and open his child proof containers for him. Dad reported this exchange with the doctor:
"Please give me regular caps on the medicine."
"I can't, you told me you regularly have a 4 year old in your house."
"She mostly comes over to open the damn medicine bottles for me!"
The doc had nothing to say to that. Dad got his easy-off caps/
Oh, no! Our fridge is going on about that same age! I hated it when we had to get a new one all those years ago. I am not looking forward to our next "adventure." I envy my second-oldest brother (I have 4 brothers), who has possession of our grandfather's fridge from the 1930s. It's in the basement, and is running like clockwork. Only drawback is, its "freezer" is a tiny little metal compartment that dangles from the top of the fridge compartment. It can freeze about 4 ice cubes--but those ice cubes are about 3x5 inches! Another thing they don't make like they used to.
Get the old one fixed if you can. See my above comment, learn from my experience.
Is your '30s fridge a monitor top?
You mean the government was monitoring us even back in the 30s? 😉
Maybe, but not with a 'fridge. I suspect the 'monitor top' was an analogy with the Civil War Monitor iron-clad. Here's a picture of the refrigerator:
https://www.albanyinstitute.org/tl_files/collection/historical-objects/2003.56_GERefrigerator_sideview.jpg
Isn't that the Ralph Kramden model? I was hoping for a realistic monitor lizard perched in attack mode. If someone sneaks into the kitchen at night for an illicit snack, the lizard's eyes glow red and it emits a high-pitched screech loud enough to wake a spouse or children.
Interesting. Possible analogue connections among 'monitor' ship, lizard, 'fridge, and. . . ?
You're thinking of a fire lizard. They should be available on Earth in about three thousand years if the warp drive development progresses well.
Our trusty old Maytag washer died after 35 years or so, we bought a brand new Amana. First of all, Amanas aren't made in Amana any more. They're just Kenmore junk like everybody else. Got 18 months out of the damn thing, now it has computer trouble.
Get a Speed Queen. They cost more, but I love mine. I called our repair guy and asked which washing machines he doesn't get calls to repair. Speed Queen was one of them. It's a basic washer. If it has a computer, it's a very small one. And this machine holds a LOT of clothes.
Speed Queen --is that a drag queen who drives a Lambo?
The Speed Queen is Karl Lewis.
No, it's my indestructible commercial dryer.
Had no idea they were still around. Stuck with this for now, well depending on what the computer costs. I rely on Fox appliance parts.
You got the model with the mayonnaise door and dispenser. I can't afford that one. That's why I favor Miracle Whip. It doesn't require refrigeration, and it's good for more than twelve years.
The teleporter module is very helpful when the children are calling from school because they forgot their lunches.
45 minutes? ... not bad ...
Hope this won't jinx anything, but our 'fridge is a Kenmore that we got when we upgraded the house in 1996; and our dishwasher is a KitchenAide we got at the same time; they both work. Appliance guy tells me you'd be lucky to get 8 years out of the new stuff. When our '80s Maytag washer proved unrepairable for want of a part, he sold me a later '80s Maytag that he had refurbished. The ads featuring the Maytag repairman with nothing to do were true.
I had to look up the name of the actor: it was Jesse White, often seen in TV sitcoms, who played "Ol' Lonely".
Good News for a Change
By Geee
June 7, 2024
https://www.therightreasons.net/topic/110188-good-news-for-a-change/#comment-673136
Posted June 8, 2024
‘Off the charts’: the key breakthroughs giving new hope in treating cancer
At the 2024 American Society of Clinical Oncology annual meeting, the world’s largest cancer conference, doctors, scientists and researchers shared new findings on ways to tackle the disease.
The event in Chicago, attended by about 44,000 health professionals, featured more than 200 sessions focused on this year’s theme, The Art and Science of Cancer Care: From Comfort to Cure. Here is a roundup of the key studies.
Please, God, make it so! AG
Does anyone think about the ramifications of what a cure for cancer would do to the world as we know it?
Yeah...what would Big Pharma ever do? And how wonderful it would be, not to have to worry about the Big C getting me!
Susan, you’re being ripped off! I get a weekly email with a link to my FREE issue of People courtesy of a reward from an unknown source. I’m now getting the same reward for Southern Living! Only 88% off is no bargain! 😂😂😂
News I can use! Thanks, CarolB. Once when my client had put me in First Cabin on a flight to Atlanta, I was seated next to a guy whose first conversational gambit was to inform me that he had an 8000 sq ft home that had been featured in Southern Living. I responded that I lived in an 1800 sq foot house that had been featured in "You Call THIS Living?" It was a long, quiet flight. AG
Now that's funny! :-)
My last time with a digital subscription to WSJ was at $50/year. They keep trying to get me back at $2/week but I know they can go lower.
They can't go lower than the New York Times. Oh, you're talking about the subscription price🐱?
Yes, they can. For example the big headline in the WSJ today was "The guests were arriving for his wedding while his $45 billion fund was falling apart." No, I'm not kidding.
I think People is giving these huge discounts to new subscribers just to increase their subscriber count so they can brag about it when they sell the rag to Business Week.
I've long noticed that, the more stuff there is on the outside of the envelope, the less useful the inside is likely to be. "Time-Sensitive Material", "To Be Opened by Addressee Only", "The Favor of a Reply is Requested" -- and the fake handwritten address.
The people who really intend to do something tend to have fairly simple envelopes with return addresses like "US District Court Jury Services".
Or 'Internal Revenue Service'
That last one you mentioned has to be marked:
Return to sender
Address unknown
No such number
No such zone
Sing it again, Elvis!!! 😁
Ol' Mel
lol
The beloved Mrs. Blackwater - who will NOT be at CC5 because 40+ years have made her immune to my limited powers of persuasion - is also "ample of bottom". (And, thank God, too busy to surf the net today.) I have pointed out to her that if she looked like Twiggy - her goal, apparently - I would not have been interested in her as a girlfriend. Her response is "I already don't like it, don't make me hate it."
I was once in a conversation and one of the young ladies said of her young handsome boyfriend "He's my Ken doll". I laughed, which seemed to get her a little miffed. She asked me what was so funny, so I told her: "Ken has no genitals." I don't know why my dear wife thinks I cause trouble at parties, what I do is relieve boredom.
I can correctly answer Mrs. Vass' light bulb question because I have hung out with movie/TV people, I know from experience how many actors it takes to change a light bulb. I have seen it done. The answer is "one".
The actor calls a scenic artist, and demands the defective bulb be changed. If the scenic artist wants to get in trouble with the union, he installs a new bulb and has to listen to a lot of static from the union guys - "don't kill the job." (Alternately "you're taking bread from a brother's table.") If the scenic artist wants to be assigned good jobs, he calls the "electrician" and everyone stands around being paid until the electrician shows up and screws in a new bulb (forgot I can use "screw" here.)
I have no idea how making a movie or TV show ends up costing multiple million dollars. It's a true Hollyweird mystery.