This Is CNN

In which "AnthonyHatesMayo" discovers a suppressed cable news transcript. . .

This Is CNN?

By Anthony Lucido

Kaitlan Collins: "Tonight, our lead story is Donald Trump's shocking sneak attack on the mostly peaceful Muslim nation of Iran, a popular tourist and LBGTQ wedding destination. Sources say Trump's reckless missile strikes, undertaken without any congressional authorization or UN approval, could lead to nuclear armageddon and the Elders of Zion controlling the world's oil supply. With us are a panel of experts to break down what 51 constitutional scholars have confirmed is an unprovoked, illegal act of war. I know everyone wants to weigh in here, but I want to go first to staunch conservative Jen Rubin for her take. What is your reaction to these outrageous acts by Lord Humongous, which is apparently the code name Trump gave himself for this military operation?"

Jen Rubin: (seated in a darkened room in Miss Havisham's wedding dress, clicking a lamp on and off, on and off ...) "Last night, Donald Trump ordered the Mossad to kidnap six of my feral cats, including Constantine, my albino Persian who needs dialysis every six hours. This is a war crime under the Feline Geneva Conventions. I WILL NOT BE IGNORED, DONALD! Do you hear ME! From Hell's heart I spit at thee--"

Collins: "Thank you, Jen Rubin. This is a difficult time for all patriotic Americans, especially undocumented immigrants just out for a bike ride in the park who might be bombed next. I want to turn now to Christiane Amanpour, our Senior Foreign Affairs Correspondent, who is on the ground in Tehran."

Christiane Amanpour: "Kaitlan, my sources within the Iranian Health and Human Services Ministry have confirmed several things. First, the dirty bombs launched by Trump and the Great Satan were weak and missed all of their targets. They damaged only an abandoned aspirin factory on the outskirts of Karaj. Tragically, however, one of the sneak attack missiles went off course and hit a hyena and scorpion petting zoo in the Qom desert, killing 4,612 school children -- many of them orphans with cancer -- there on a Make a Wish field trip along with many austere religious scholars who were chaperoning that event. Hamas EMT's on scene have confirmed the death toll and expect it to rise."

Collins: "Christiane, that is truly horrible. What has been the international community's initial reaction to this psychopathic breach of world peace by Trump?"

Amanpour: "Kaitlan, the world leaders I have spoken to are enraged. The Mayor of London has issued a fatwa on Trump. Greta Thunberg, recently freed from the clutches of the IDF and still traumatized by her dry turkey sandwich and lack of sanitary wipes, has vowed to hold her breath for seven days while gluing herself to a Tesla cybertruck. The UN Security Council just issued a resolution calling for a boycott of Israel and a defensive drone strike on Trump National Golf Club. The influential Southern Poverty Law Center has issued arrest warrants for Trump, J.D. Vance and Elon Musk and placed their mugshots on Hate Map Olympus. And as you know, Alexandra Ocasio Cortez, the moisturized polymath congresswoman from NY, is right now drafting Articles of Impeachment against Trump using her official calligraphy pen for warmongering, Islamophobia, treason, transphobia, mutiny on the high seas, conspiracy to violate the civil rights of cartel members, excessive public profanity and other high crimes. She and Senator Chris Van Hollen are expected to jointly present the articles to Judge Boasberg within 48 hours for his judicial seal of approval and the issuance of an immediate, intercontinental restraining order with treble damages."

Collins: "That's Christiane Amanpour, in Tehran. Stay safe."

Scott Jennings: "Kaitlan, I'd like to jump in her--"

Collins: "It appears we are having some technical problems with Scott Jennings' audio. I've got about 60 seconds before commercial break, but I want to allow our guest analyst, Joy Reid, who trained to be a BIPOC engineer in elementary school and now consults in the field of post-colonial racial cryptography and the white supremacist male gaze, to comment on these unprecedented events which have shaken the very foundations of "Our Democracy" and the harmony of the global village."

Reid: "Kaitlan, as Liz Cheney said when Trump, the Q-Shaman and his MAGA militia legions nearly seized our capitol on January 6th, this is a day that will live in infamy. I am calling for the California National Guard to forcibly remove Trump from office using the powers vested in them under the 25th Amendment and the anti-tyranny catch-all provisions of the Build Back Better Act. And it's time for the nefarious Jewish lobby to face prosecution. No Kings! No Kings! No K--"

Collins: "Sorry to cut you off, Joy, but Jake Tapper has some breaking news for us. It's been a whirlwind day, ladies and gentleman."

Jake Tapper: "Thanks Kaitlan. Alex Thompson and I, after months of sleuthing, can now confirm the following bombshell that was hidden from the media by the Biden administration. Members of Joe Biden's family, up to and including Joe Biden himself, may have been running an influence peddling scheme to enrich themselves. Yes, I know, it's stunning, coming as it does on top of our other recent bombshell, Joe Biden's carefully and cleverly hidden dementia. As part of these new revelations, we can report that Hunter Biden may not have had any expertise in the energy sector and his macaroni on construction paper artwork, which was selling for hundreds of thousands of dollars at top galleries, may have been utterly worthless. Look for our next book, coming out in two weeks for only 29.99 hardcover, with far more explosive revelations. It's called 'Who Knew? The Big Guy's Ten Percent and Other Shady Biden Stuff Not Even Sherlock Holmes Could Have Discovered. Until Now.'"

Collins: "Thank you, Jake. We look forward to that sure-to-be best-seller with lip-smacking anticipation. Our audience should know that high ranking sources are telling us that the Biden family, if they did do anything untoward -- and all such allegations remain unproven -- was being blackmailed and entirely controlled by 47 time felon Donald Trump, even the security dogs that bit everyone. We'll be right back."