A Ho-Dunnit at the Oscars!

The nominations are:

“I want to take a moment to recognize the sex worker community. You deserve respect and human decency. I will always be a friend and an ally, and I implore others to do the same.”

That was Mikey Madison at the recent Academy Awards, which have ranged beyond satire for some time now. The best satire of the Oscars goes to – the envelope, please –“The British Showbiz Awards,” by the Monty Python players, hosted by “Dickie” Attenborough and wonderfully played by Eric Idle:

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Chairman, friends of the society, your dummy Royal Highness. Once again, the year has come full circle, and for me there can be no greater privilege, and honor, than to that to which it is my lot to have befallen this evening. There can be no finer honor than to welcome into our midst tonight a guest who has not only done only more than not anyone for our Society, but nonetheless has only done more.

Ladies and gentlemen, seldom can it have been a greater pleasure and privilege than it is for me now to announce that the next award gave me the great pleasure and privilege of asking a man without whose ceaseless energy and tireless skill the British Film Industry would be today. I refer of course to my friend and colleague, Mr. David Niven. Sadly, David Niven cannot be with us tonight, but he has sent his fridge. This is the fridge in which David keeps most of his milk, butter and eggs. What a typically selfless gesture, that he should send this fridge, of all his fridges, to be with us tonight.

David Niven’s fridge then proclaims the nominees for best foreign film, including Pasolini’s “The Third Test Match,” which came in sixth. Contenders for the big prize include the Oscar Wilde sketch but the winner must wait until the end. Dickie brings it on in fine style:

That moment is coming in a moment. The moment I’m talking about is the moment when we present the award for the cast with the most awards award, and this year is no exception. Ladies and gentlemen will you join me and welcome please, the winners of this year’s Mountbatten trophy, showbusiness’s highest accolade, the cast of The Dirty Vicar sketch.

The Pythons also targeted Hollywood in “Scott of the Antarctic,” directed by Jimmy McCrettin (John Cleese) who explains:

This film is basically pro-humanity and anti-bad things and it rips aside the hypocritical facade of our society’s gin and tonic and leaves a lot of sacred cows rolling around in agony, have a drink, have a drink.

Kurt Vilb (Michael Palin) plays Scott, who is eager for action:

Listen, I gotta fight the lion. That’s what that guy Scott’s all about. I know. I’ve studied him already.

Co-star Vanilla Hoare (Carol Cleveland) has problems with the names:

Hi Scarrie Oh, sorry. Hi Stocky! Oh – I’m sorry again. Oh, Jim. I’m just unhappy with this line. Hey, can I do it all sort of kooky? Hi Scottie!

And so on, a good bit of fun. This year many fans believed A Complete Unknown should have taken best picture and Timothy Chalamet best actor for his portrayal of Bob Dylan in fearful symmetry. In similar style, Paul Newman fans can also make a case that Paul should have won the Oscar for his performance in Absence of Malice in 1981. In this scene, DOJ official James Wells (Wilford Brimley) explains:

Come sundown, there’s gonna be two things true that ain’t true now. One is that the United States Department of Justice is gonna know what in the good Christ is going on around here. And the other’s I’m gonna have somebody’s ass in my briefcase.

Both things did turn out true, but no nomination for Brimley. For another oversight, consider Roscoe Lee Browne in The Cowboys, from 1972. The ranch hands of Wil Andersen (John Wayne) run off to search for gold, so Andersen hires a crew of boys for the cattle drive to Belle Fourche. The rancher takes on Jebediah Nightlinger, a cook played by Browne, who tells his new boss:

You know, in the late war between the states I served under an officer just like you. As a matter of fact, I shot that military gentleman in the buttocks. Just outside Vicksburg.

The cattle drive rolls along, tailed by a caravan of prostitutes. Nightlinger informs madame Kate (Colleen Dewhurst) that these are just boys, so she wonders if a grown man might be interested. As the cook explains:

Well, I have the inclination, the maturity, and the wherewithal. But unfortunately, I don’t have the time.

A gang of rustlers led by Asa Watts (Bruce Dern) murders Andersen and steals the herd. Nightlinger makes a plan to get it back, and allows the rustlers to take him captive. Their first response is to string him up. “Since you mean to hang me,” Nightlinger pleads, “I ask to atone to my maker.” Watts gives him one minute:

Where to begin? I regret trifling with married women. I’m thoroughly ashamed at cheating at cards. I deplore my occasional departures from the truth. Forgive me for taking your name in vain, my Saturday drunkenness, my Sunday sloth. Above all, forgive me for the men I’ve killed in anger – and those I am about to.

The boys then spring from hiding, free Nightlinger, and gun down the bad guys. Browne carried the movie but never got a nomination for best supporting actor. The award went to Joel Grey for Cabaret. Let the viewers judge.

Meanwhile, as Steve notes, it seems that President Trump’s speech was more popular than the Oscars. Maybe the producers should stop making movies about whores and the nominees could just send their best fridge.

Here’s the YouTube version of the British Show Biz Awards: